#1
It has to keep raining, seeing how, I smile till the end.
It needs to keep raining, like those days.

and we were undressed
where we were more than personal,
a vivid lace of fingers
quilting.

we were going to pour down on every parade
as if lovestruck making,
puddles with our bodies slowly
sinking.

you shout,
it has to keep going like this,
it needs to keep raining
bodiless
our clothes a monet to the rivers that run down our streets
our clothes the innocence now resting at our feet.
if only it could stay
raining, like us.

and this shower floods your valleys,
slowly eroding,
creating an etched design
leaving picture perfect
memories.

this drizzle picks up
and has me turning towards you turning towards me
like an umbrella,
we quilt ourselves
beneath the dripping trees.

and this storm is like a movement;
this storm has all the movements,
making it parallel.
to those days,
like those days...



we could last forever.
this rain you shout,
bodiless.

this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Nov 13, 2009,
#2
This is undeniably you. It's nice to see that you've found the place now that you can create a consistency like this within your pieces.
#3
wow.
coming home after a long train ride and reading this put me in a better mood.
ill comment more when im not as exhausted
If I don't meet you no more in this world, I'll meet you in the next one and dont be late.

JWU Baking and Pastry '13
#4
Quote by Ebshabutiee
It has to keep raining, seeing how, I smile till the end.
It needs to keep raining, like those days. Very strong opening

and we were undressed
where we were more than personal,
a vivid lace of fingers
quilting. Whoa

we were going to pour down on every parade
as if lovestruck making,
puddles with our bodies slowly
sinking.

you shout,
it has to keep going like this,
it needs to keep raining
bodiless This makes the piece seem like there's something hidden underneath
our clothes a monet to the rivers that run down our streets
our clothes the innocence now resting at our feet.
if only it could stay
raining, like us.

and this shower floods your valleys,
slowly eroding,
creating an etched design
leaving picture perfect
memories.

this drizzle picks up
and has me turning towards you turning towards me
like an umbrella,
we quilt ourselves
beneath the dripping trees.

and this storm is like a movement;
this storm has all the movements,
making it parallel.
to those days,
like those days... I don't think this last line is too necessary



we could last forever.
this rain you shout,
bodiless.

It seems like almost everyone here writes really thoughtful lyrics, but all the popular mainstream bands write crap.

This is great. I can't point out many flaws. Good job.


C4C in sig (preferably the green arrow)
#7
I loved how you used the rain metaphor at the perfect amount. At no point did I feel like I was being bombarded with it. This had a vulnerability to it which made it all the more connectable and humbling.

The only part I kind of got tripped up on was the third stanza. I was a little confused by the place of the comma. The way I was reading it made it seem like the comma should been placed after "lovestruck" and not "making". I think that's just a personal thing though.

Again, great, great job. I really enjoyed reading this
here, My Dear, here it is
#8
I didn't like the first two lines. I didn't really like the beginning much but it started picking up steam as it progressed. Some of the phrasing in the beginning seems funky to me, and like STV said there's a weird comma placement there.

Clean it up and make the beginning flow better, and you will have yourself a nice piece.



If you would, Robert Johnson in my sig.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black