#1
This is the second in a series of songs telling the story from the perspective of a man who dies. The story tells of his experiences after death.

Hope you like
______________________

The light
That was once so bright
Is slowly fading

The faith
That was once so strong
Is slowly fading

The hope
That was once so full
Is slowly fading
_ _ _ _ _

The light
That was once so bright
Is slowly fading

The faith
That was once so strong
Is slowly weakening

The hope
That was once so full
Is slowly leaving me

The life
That was once so alive
Is slowly fading away

Into the darkness

_______________

If you don't get it, it may help to read Part 1

Thanx for reading

I will be happy to crit anyone's piece who posts here
Last edited by 1nSingularity at Nov 14, 2009,
#2
I don't think anyone here can really crit this, like what is there to say about works like these?

It's simple and straight forward.

Maybe I'd change the last line and not use 'the'

With work like this you need to hear the music as well, you can't really just take in the lyrics by itself.

Also I think it is best that you don't tell us what the song is about, the joy of reading the works on here is about discovering the work. Not being told but being shown.
#3
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
I don't think anyone here can really crit this, like what is there to say about works like these?

It's simple and straight forward.

Maybe I'd change the last line and not use 'the'

With work like this you need to hear the music as well, you can't really just take in the lyrics by itself.

Also I think it is best that you don't tell us what the song is about, the joy of reading the works on here is about discovering the work. Not being told but being shown.


this.
this one is for you.
#4
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
I don't think anyone here can really crit this, like what is there to say about works like these?

It's simple and straight forward.

Maybe I'd change the last line and not use 'the'

With work like this you need to hear the music as well, you can't really just take in the lyrics by itself.

Also I think it is best that you don't tell us what the song is about, the joy of reading the works on here is about discovering the work. Not being told but being shown.
Yeah, maybe. But I told you what the story is about (sort of) but what happens in each part is up to the reader's imagination.
#5
i agree with everyone, this needs musical support to be more palatable, even though i sensed a sort of ambience in the words alone.
anyways, i think this is a strong succsession to part 1
waiting for the third
critisim for fellow critics, be a doll why dontcha :
Demons
sweet soul


is you am a dog? is you got a dog?
#6
I'd strongly suggest that you either remove or change the last line, it really breaks with the pattern and the rythm and development in the lyrics. We can easily imagine how his life is fading away, and the darkness that accompanies it, while the last line seems too forced and unnecessary.
Last edited by T.s.e at Nov 15, 2009,
#7
Quote by T.s.e
I'd strongly suggest that you either remove or change the last line, it really breaks with the pattern and the rythm and development in the lyrics. We can easily imagine how his life is fading away, and the darkness that accompanies it, while the last line seems too forced and unnecessary.
Was considering it when I typed it up here. Thanks

I will crit yours if I haven't already