#1
This song basically talks about the town where I live

I want to live in a place
Where summer never ends
I can't get any more sick
Of the rain and loneliness
Sitting here with this old guitar
Down to my last Lucky Strike

So let's run to the city limits
And watch the city die
And the first time the clouds
leave the sky, we'll be there

In this ****ed up town
Dead end roads and empty houses
Broken bottles and crashed cars
The gas station's out of beer,
There's nothing left to do
Time to escape

So let's run to the city limits
And watch the city die
And the first time the clouds
leave the sky, we'll be there

Same old places and ****ed up faces

So let's run to the city limits
And watch the city die
And the first time the clouds
leave the sky, we'll be there

This was written in about an hour, criticism is welcome
#3
You're only allowed to post one song per day, two every six days. Also, you can't bump your threads. To avoid negative attention, I'd delete the other thread.
#5
I want to live in a place
Where summer never ends
I can't get any more sick
Of the rain and loneliness
Sitting here with this old guitar
Down to my last Lucky Strike

Decent opening, it doesn't exactly hook me as a reader because it comes off as slightly cliche. Then again there's nothing wrong with it, I guess it's just one of those things that annoy me. The flow is great although I don't think the last line fits into the flow very well.

So let's run to the city limits
And watch the city die
And the first time the clouds
leave the sky, we'll be there

This is a pretty solid chorus! I didn't like the way you used city twice, so close together. Consider a different word choice in place of the second city, so it doesn't sound stale.

In this ****ed up town
Dead end roads and empty houses
Broken bottles and crashed cars
The gas station's out of beer,
There's nothing left to do
Time to escape

Strong imagery, I like it, is this a bridge? If so, I think it'll work really well!

So let's run to the city limits
And watch the city die
And the first time the clouds
leave the sky, we'll be there

Same old places and ****ed up faces

The "****ed" seems totally unnecessary here. You could add more power to this line with better word choice.

So let's run to the city limits
And watch the city die
And the first time the clouds
leave the sky, we'll be there

Overall, I think this piece shows a lot of promise, especially since you wrote it in such a short period of time. Good work! Can you crit my latest piece, Night Fear? Link's in the sig. Cheers.
#7
I liked this. It has a lot of potential and with some editing here and there I think you'll have a pretty good song on your hands. The meter and flow is solid so I'll focus on the actual words. My favorite part of this entire song was:

"In this ****ed up town
Dead end roads and empty houses
Broken bottles and crashed cars
The gas station's out of beer"

I liked this part the best because of the imagery you employed here. The way you utilize imagery helps you develop a tone and a vibe in your pieces so by giving me pictures of dead end roads, broken bottles, crashed cars, etc, I'm feeling the tone that each of these things connote. This is where, I think, you shined the most. The chorus is also pretty good although I would try and reword it so "city" isn't repeated so closely.

As for some suggestions, I would try and rework the first verse to incorporate some more vivid imagery. What you have right now is giving me too hazy of a picture. "A place where summer never ends" is too vague for me as is my image of you sitting with your guitar on a rainy day. Give me more sensory/visual cues and work on original ways of phrasing this. It is so important to be original because when you aren't, the reader isn't able to feel the emotions behind your words. We've all heard the same cliches over and over again so if you resort to them, us as readers won't be able to distinguish your pain/happiness/guilt/whatever from the others who've used them. Hopefully that made some sense. Take what you did in the second verse and apply it to the first and I think you'll be fine.

Lastly, I'm always a fan of cursing in songs but only if it's done with purpose and has some force behind it. Personally, given the topic of the song, I think your cursing comes across as a little too angsty and it would serve you better to leave it out. At least take out the second one. I do think there are much more suited adjectives that you can find to describe what you want to describe.

Overall, I liked it a lot. It has some work to do and shows some mistakes but I even make many of the same mistakes in my writing. Just keep practicing and writing and writing and soon you'll find a style that fits you. Hopefully I was of some help here.
here, My Dear, here it is
#8
That lucky strike is not your hero, and it's image will not save your perception. For once of the first times in my life, I can say that the chorus is as catchy as it deserves, and I applaud it. Unfortunately, it also sums up the rest of the song entirely, leaving many of the verses quite useless - and understandably so, because things don't need to be any more fucked up than they already are, and really - do you need to mention it? We're not some two-bit indie band here (or maybe we are, but we can get past that for a moment), and we are beyond that, capable of more! Of Better! we are Of the World, and you have the chance to say so here, to shine - the gas station's out of beer, and there's nothing left to do - this IMPLIES escape, so do not say it, but let it be said in what you say - got that?

Good. Get rid of the faces and places, rely just a little less on perfect rhyme, and crank me out another killer verse. Please. Thank you.