#1
part one
part two
part three


onto superior,
past the breakwater conflicts and the magic words that make the levy lift,
you touched my back a way you never had before.
we sat on the sandbags at the palisades chasing queen bee with our lazy hands,
mimicking seabirds wading in oil,
pre salted with a hint of lemon,
you did what you did with your eyes and i coughed in my jacket sleeve,
you said what you said cause you had to and i coughed again in my jacket sleeve then put my thoughts on the subject in my back pocket with a picture of my mother;
'love is accidental, i think'
'love is like approaching a dream'
'love is like when a kitten is asleep'
you shoe'd away the ants eavesdropping,
when you turned around i invited them back with the wings i pulled off a fly that kept landing on the small of your neck,
'do you know that lake superior is the biggest freshwater lake in the world?
does that make you feel insignificant?'
i didn't know how to answer that,
yes it does,
no it doesn't,
instead i looked for the significance of the question,
'i want to drown in it, be a forever part of it'
3 quadrillion gallons of blue,
larger than all backyard swimming pools,
no chlorine hue,
no piss from swimming children,
i want to be buried in the keweenaw peninsula here with you,
with the leaves and seabirds and trees posing as a camera crew.
'its dark now, do you want to leave?'
never, or maybe,
i mean,
if you want to.
'to ontario?'
yes, please,
to ontario.


[and yes,
it does make me feel insignificant.]
Last edited by rushmore at Nov 16, 2009,
#2
If you haven't thought about it already, you should try compiling some material and sending it to some publishers. I would buy a book of your poetry, easily.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
thank you very much, i plan on it soon, hopefully. i dont want to go through self publishing companies so i'm going to wait until i think i have a solid enough manuscript and send it to some legitimate publishers. we'll see how that goes i guess.
#7
I like your head.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
in reply to your post on my previous piece,
yes it is how i talk, i think.
it is my thought process directly,
at least how i see it and other things.

my heads okay.
#9
mm, yeah. your head's alright.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#11
mm not really i dont think, they're individual stories, just progression of a relationship and ect. told through them. i was too lazy to link all the other ones.
#12
onto superior,
past the breakwater conflicts and the magic words that make the levy lift,
you touched my back a way you never had before as we
sat on the sandbags at the palisades chasing queen bee with our lazy hands,
mimicking seabirds wading in oil,
pre salted with a hint of lemon,
Woah, work-fuck. I think you need to space this. The first two or three lines set the tone nicely, but it then becomes overcrowded and, like, "woah!" I don't even get half of what you're saying, and I'm not that interested in finding out. You haven't set me up enough so that I care about what you're really saying, or feel like you 'deserve' my attention, if you know what I mean. It kinda reads like you're patronizing me, to be quite honest. Was all that really necessary? If you thought so, that's all that matters, really.

you did what you did with your eyes and i coughed in my jacket sleeve,
you said what you said cause you had to and i coughed again in my jacket sleeve then put my thoughts on the subject in my wallet with a picture of my mother;
"wallet" could be better as back-pocket, maybe. You know, to slide in with the "jacket sleeve" idea?
'love is accidental i think'
I didn't like "i think". Maybe if you put a comma before it, it could work.
'love is like approaching a dream'
'love is like when a kitten is asleep'
you shoe'd away the ants eavesdropping,
when you turned around i invited them back with the wings i pulled off a fly that kept landing on the small of your neck,
'do you know that lake superior is the biggest freshwater lake in the world?
does that make you feel insignificant?'
i didn't know how to answer that,
yes it does,
no it doesn't,
instead i looked for the significance of the question,
'i want to drown in it, be a forever part of it'
3 quadrillion gallons of blue,
larger than all backyard swimming pools,
no chlorine hue,
no piss from swimming children,
i want to be buried in the keweenaw peninsula here with you,
with the leaves and seabirds and trees posing as a camera crew.
Awesome.
'its dark now, do you want to leave?'
never, or maybe,
i mean,
if you want to.
'to ontario?'
yes, please,
to ontario.
I love the confusion in yourself you've given us here. It goes well with the first time you did it, and suits the piece as a whole. And I really appreciate the way you brought in animals and creatures into the poem/song. It's really sweet and lovely.



[and yes,
it does make me feel insignificant.]
Cool.

Nice read. I especially like the kitten and fly bits. And thank you for getting to mine.