#1
Hello, it's been quite some time since i've last posted here, so i'll try again with this. Done the music a while back for it, but just did the lyrics in one sitting.

Will C4C, just leave a link to yours !

---------------

Good Times Gone Bad

There are
hallways in his mind
that lead to secret doors
where infinite dreams are
written in fear.
With
silence when he speaks
and silence when he screams,
he knew only how
to open these doors.

Wearing the key on his heart,
the lonely writer stood inside
those walls, afraid to take a breath
between the bricks; the sound of the
rain hammering on the outside.
Painting his world with bright colors,
he crafted each and every word
with intensive care, never
realizing the white noise he
was creating between his worlds.

And it’s hard
to learn how to breathe,
to learn how to speak again,
when the rain has stopped and it’s
time to throw the key away.
Last edited by UVER at Nov 17, 2009,
#2
quite enjoyable and kind of diffrent from the rest of the stuff that i usually read on here, but while i was reading i kinda felt that it would have another climax other than:

the writer had to finish his
story in order to be able
to take a few steps outside
the walls.

i dont know, i didnt quite understand this bit, but i enjoyed the whole thing all the same
critisim for fellow critics, be a doll why dontcha :
Demons
sweet soul


is you am a dog? is you got a dog?
#3
Dude, I loved the first two paragraphs. They had such great imagery. However, the next paragraph totally falls apart. The main trouble areas are:

But as the gap grew bigger,
the story became pathetic
and really sad.

It just doesnt work. I dont know what you going for, but it just becomes less poem like. Theres a very fine line between free verse poetry, regular poetry, and just talking. The only other area is

But eventually,

This spot isnt as bad as the last one, but it just totally breaks anything and everything. Other than that one paragraph, i really liked it. I could really relate i just like these kinds of things. The last paragraph was especially great. If you could check out mine, its in my sig.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#4
Thanks.

True that, i had the same feeling while i was writing that third verse. I decided to scrap it. It reads itself much better without it.

Thanks again ! going to check yours now.
#5
Hey, cheers for the crit, I'll give yours a go now

The first stanza is excellent, I can't find much to criticise here to be honest. You're great at using imagery to create a powerful effect. I'm not sure the last line fits with the flow but it might be different when you're singing it...

In the second stanza, you change between past and present tense a LOT. You could fix this quite easily without messing up the flow or content, unless you intended it?

The ending was great, I like the way you tied most of it up while leaving a few questions unanswered. Overall, this is a solid piece, I'd like to hear it with music. Do you have any music worked out for it yet?
#6
Thanks for the crit.

About the past and present tense, i usually do that alot. English isn't my first language so i tend to mess up this way. >_<

I do have music for it, but in Guitar Pro format. I could send it to you if you have the program, just tell me.

and thanks again.
#7
I really like this and it is very original. Alot of writers portray rain as a bad thing where you come in and expose its beauty. It is very good. I like how you portray everything as beauty for the writer. I think the ending is what sells it. The imagery is very nice in the first two verses but the ending just kind of hammers it home. I liked this alot and cannot find any flaws here. Well done.

Anyways c4c? The Leaves or Rain to Snow are in my signature waiting for crits.
#8
Thanks. Rain might be my favorite word, ever.

I'll get to yours now.
#10
i thought this was beautiful and the line about the silence with screams was great and your imagery was fantastic, i also thought it flowed very well. keep up the good work
#13
That's what i had written at first, but "time to throw the key away" flowed better in my head. =/