#1
I was born around an woman's arm, stuffed and sock-dyed like
a puppet with crossed eyes, ,stitched and stuck
in a way that fits on some girl's hand. I've got the
velvet finish and a soft, elastc grip and I'm sure I
felt wonderful slipping through Allison's hips, but
that's all I'm sure of these days, I've been living
under a rock I suppose, under a giant Croatian rock,
a pretty face fitting to a form for her lovelier features,
a grimace of never satisfying, never not well enough,
never been solid, I kept telling myself -- well If
only I had done so many things differently, changed
the situation, quit my job at White Castle to move to
Appleton, stop working at Marshalls and TJ Maxx to stay a few
more days in Wisconsin. I remember the last two years of loving
her voice, and bounce, and the promise of her touch
and I can sum it in two words;
What if--
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
Very evocative, though I'm not quite sure how the doll part links to the 'What If-' part exactly.

You tied it up nicely, contrasting the earlier dreamlike stuff with 'White Castle' e.g. the more realistic stuff to make the point.

Any plans to form a song from this, or is it purely to be a poem?

Either way, you're obviously in command of your style and the language you use, though I think you could have broken out of the box a bit more with this one.

8.3/10 from me.

C4C? My piece is on the first page of the S+L Forum.
#4
i think you could work more on your presentation. your pieces are almost always written in this box shape style which makes it hard to digest sometimes. they feel dense and even more so with such long sentences: it may put some readers off. though, as usual, this shows great control of language, your typical quirky imagery and originality.
#5
"I was born around an woman's arm"

Shouldn't it be "a woman's" and not "an woman's" ?
#6
I think you should put a full stop after "these days".

Then everything after that I think needs a little revision. Then you seem to lose authority. As a reader, the "I suppose" is weak. We know you're unsure, you've just said it in the previous sentence, it doesn't need repeating. I think you'd also do better not repeating "under a rock" - just cut straight to the Croatian rock phrasing.

the "never not well enough" segment, all 3 phrases, just wasn't pleasant to read, either, imo. I think you can say something in less shitty wording. I don't think the "grimace" juxtaposes well either with "pretty" and "lovelier". like I said, it reads like you were losing a bit of authority and got too into the wording than actual meaning.

I think the "well" can be dropped too, just gets a little stuffy, especially when considered the same word is in th eline above too; "stop" should really be past tense as well should it not?

And I think the last sentence, at "I remember" would work better as a seperate stanza, maybe even with the last two words a two-word stanza by themselves. I think it would become more powerful, and as it is probably the least sream-of-consciousness-esque sentence of the piece, I think it deserves to sit by itself as a summation of feeling you have here.

Good read, all the same. Just tryin' to show we're not all intimidated to critique you now and then, lol.