#1
Hey just wrote this then,I am fair tired and thought I'd get back into wrting. This was done in about 30 minutes so it's not much, obviously still needs to be looked over and fixed. It kinda relates to me a lot right now but it's only a couple of verses so yeh. C&C strongly needed and appreciated. Thanks.

She's falling like an angel without wings
Hes Crash landing on her darkest feelings
You noticed when she never made a sound
You noticed how hard she'd hit the ground

She tells him that it's a problem
But he can only see it as a solution
These false acusations of accomplishment
They Are just one true illusion
Last edited by Stikky207 at Nov 15, 2009,
#3
You've got a good rhyme scheme going, but like the above poster said, you need to finish it before getting any good criticism. Aside from the fact that it's unfinished, I don't like the line, "They are just one true illusion." The word "true" feels superfluous, almost as if you were trying to make that line longer, but at the same time it doesn't feel long enough to be the counterpart to "But he can only see it as a solution." Rhyme schemes are great, in my opinion, but you gotta keep the corresponding rhyme lines with generally the same number of syllables.

If you want you can check out my works for an example of what I mean (neither have gotten much criticisms, good or bad):

Clocks For Hands - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1230187
Over and Again - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1227387