#1
I'm not much of a writer, but here's a few lines from a song I'm currently writing, its not yet complete. I would really appreciate some feedback, criticism, critique, compliments. I would also love to hear any interpretations.

- - - -



Giru

Somewhere between the cobbles steep your foot drew still ,
Rain drops fell drying upon the asphalt, You took your breath and drew a whisper ,
Blowing gently to caress the candle light.

The emotion carries little depth, it’s not that I don’t care; it’s just that, I don’t care,
Convinced by a vision of mangled hues,
A whisper that seeks silence asks if cold hands deserve any warmth,
Or if silence deserves sympathy?

The clock doesn’t know how to go backwards,
Even if each turn registers a vague faded memory,
Should I let it define a turn that does not yet exist?

Just because its white, it doesn’t mean it does not stain,
If ripples in a pond could reach its shore,
Then the downpour would cease.

And If a refraction of light pierces the reflection upon the water,
Even a color that fades,
Can be painted upon its surface again.

A hand which holds no heart, bears no future.

Last edited by WestOfTheSun at Feb 6, 2010,
#2
After reading this, i must has, are you really not much of a writer ? because this was really good, imo. If you are not, then start writing more !

In the first stanza, i felt there were too many commas. I would suggest making it a full stop after "asphalt", and maybe adding "and" at the end of the first line or start of second one. (that depends on how you're going to sing it)

Second stanza, same problem. Full stop after "I don't care" ? (the second one).

Third stanza was excellent.

In the fifth one, i thought the comma after "fades" was unnecessary.

Overall, for not being much of a writer, i have to say great job. Was a pleasure to read it.

Could you have a look at mine ?
Good Times Gone Bad : https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1230681

Thanks.

edit : Oh, and when you're done recording the song, if you remember send me a link to it via PM, i'd like to give it a listen.
Last edited by UVER at Nov 16, 2009,
#3
This may just be the greatest song I read on here in a while. You should write more often cause you have alot of talent my man. And since "youre not much of a writer" it seems to be natural to you to just come in and write something like this.

As for an interpretation I feel like it has something to do about a couple who are on the verge of breakup and are recalling all the bad times they had together and it seems to be a beautiful twist to their argument.

I also love the clock comparison that was very original. And I would suggest cutting down on the syllable count in verse 2.

Overall it was way above average especially for not much of a writer.

Anywhos c4c? If you get the chance can you crit "The Leaves" or "Rain to Snow" in my sig
#4
Please take a look at the rules, specifically regarding thread titles. This one has been fixed for you, but read them anyways so you know for the future. Next time the thread will just be closed.

Thanks.
#5
I appreciate the well thought out crits guys. ill be sure to take a look at one of your poems soon ^^