#1
the electricity hits...
it has nowhere to go.

I worry it could snake
back on me, reopening
old war wounds.

the Berlin Wall of 1945 -
I can relate to its stone,
structure and sound -
a moan of tiredness.

But the streetlights
of this cute little English town,
on a hill from a distance,
are shying away from me.

The pathways are salted,
so I put away my skates and heave;
a sigh of relief/grief.
because either way, life isn't moving.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Nov 16, 2009,
#4
Sad, bleak, a big gape in the wall, and perfect for that. My only qualm with this was the line breaks... it's a bit choppy...

(love the scanner darkly avatar btw)
Quote by Arthur Curry
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#5
Quote by vintage x metal
Sad, bleak, a big gape in the wall, and perfect for that. My only qualm with this was the line breaks... it's a bit choppy...

(love the scanner darkly avatar btw)
Do you have any directions on how I should change the line-breaks - I'm terrible with them?

Quote by rushmore
hmm. i think this is incredibly relatable, each stanza alone is okay, but together they compliment each other perfectly, especially the end when it sums it all up. very simple, very well said.
thats it.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1230645
if you could say a word on that^, like cool, or lame, or whatever.
Thanks, Rush.

I'll of course take a look.

Quote by seventh_angel
Just fix this: It's "its stone, its structure, its sound" I believe it wasn't on purpose.

The only stanza which seems kind of out of place to me is the third one. However, I can relate with almost everything you're saying. It's a good read.
How do you mean? What's wrong with it specifically? I'm not disagreeing with you or being a bitch, I'm literally confused on what you mean.
#7
Quote by AngryGoldfish
the electricity hits...
it has nowhere to go.
You could use structure more effective here. For instance, I'd want a break here and have this as an opening two-line stanza. It's an intriguing start, and could really be pin-pointed up the top, something to dwell on as the reader makes their way down to the second stanza. Then on further reads, it's simple to look up this introduction and link it through the piece.
I worry it could snake back
and reopen old wounds
Use punctuation consistently too. You can't go using full stops as and where you want - there should be one here, for instance. If you punctuate the first sentence, do so the rest.

You ask about line breaks - you can be inventive here. Put the "back" on the next line (though you will need to reword and rejig to fit a more appropriate rhythm). This way, the readers eyes are "snaking back" across the page to read the next line.

Just an idea.


the berlin wall of 1945 -
I'm traditional in my use of capital letters normally - especially places of importance.
I can relate to it's stone
it's structure, it's sound -
Drop the second and third it's. Go for "stone, structure and sound" or just "stone, structure, sound".
a moan of tiredness
This is just pretty pretty personification.

the streetlights above
expose the darkness
while the icy pathways are
gritted and salted
This was just a dull stanza lol. It's description and nothing more.

I put away my skates and
Why not put heave on this line? That way it is an effort for the reader to read the line in one breath and you really have to "heave" that last word out.
heave, both a sigh of relief,
Drop the comma and it continue the sentence better. The one on the end, I mean. "both" is overly wordy too, use a semi-colon instead.

and heave;
a sigh of relief, of grief

Reads better imho.

and of grief, or - or . depending on what you like.
because either way, life isn't moving


Wasn't a fantastic read in my opinion but hey you posted and writing and posting is the way to go. Thought I'd stick my nose in anyway.

Have a nice day Danny Boy.


ETA: I'd now take out the because at the end altogether lol. imo you'v eimproved it immensely. Good stuff.

This reminds me of a piece Kyrl wrote ages ago, about finding inspiration to write. Similar theme and execution, especially the intro. Really similar. Good stuff.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Nov 16, 2009,