#1
spent yesterday's afternoon
on a park bench and saw
a squirrel chase
another squirrel around a tree and
between the scattered autumn leaves,
around my feet and
i couldn't help but smile at a love so natural.
maybe they were just two flirtatious friends on the verge
of something more or a cute woodland couple on a date
or a husband and wife still able to find excitement in their lives
by romping around on a november afternoon.
nevertheless,
my heart began to swoon while pondering such things.

the squirrel in front then tripped on a hidden rock,
and its lover followed from behind,
pounced atop
then devoured it,
ripped away fur,
tore muscle from bone,
eyes from sockets.
the blood stained the earth
and the carcass rotted instantly.
the squirrel and i waited
until the rustle of leaves was a cue for us to both leave.

i stood, watching it flee
and couldn't help but weep at a love so natural.
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
I'm not exactly sure what you were going for, but I think I liked it. Want to expand on the ideas behind it?

I think the the line "until the rustle of leaves was a cue for us to both leave" sounds a little awkward with the tense the rest is in. Maybe you could say something like "until the rustle of leaves cued us both to leave"?
It makes it flow a bit better, in my opinion.
Last edited by D&DLover at Nov 16, 2009,
#3
A squirrel chase
another squirrel

That line break annoyed the hell out of me. There were some strange line breaks in the beginning, but the rest was fine.


The whole thing just seemed a bit too unreal for me. I couldn't picture a squirrel tearing another squirrel to shreds, but you did connect to me in that I have always seen squirrels running around and wondered what happens when one catches up to the other. So the ridiculousness of a brutal squirrel murder is kind of negated to the fact that it does make a connection, and I'm sure a lot of people have seen squirrels like this and wondered if they were playing around or fighting. I am also wondering why you continued to describe them as lovers even when the one squirrel was killing the other. It seemed strange and I'm not sure if you did that on purpose, I'm still trying to decide.

Reminded me of the one WotW Hesh wrote a little bit ago about the doves, even if the content and meaning is totally different. Something about it, and not that there are two animal "lovers".
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
^Thanks for the comment. I agree completely. I knew writing this that a squirrel would never tear another squirrel to shreds but I intended it to sort of venture into the absurd, into fantasy. This ties in to the title of the piece as well.

The line break was meant to create an effect where the reader is "chasing" the words from one line to next. Obviously that effect was not exactly felt so I'll look into reworking that.

I still owe you from the crit you gave me on my last piece so I'll get you for this and that one. Thanks
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
I'm coming back to this one too. Line breaks in this are weird but the idea is lovely. It reminds me a lot of one of the first poems I ever loved on this site by rushmore, I'll link if I can find it, it was a really long time ago...
Quote by Arthur Curry
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e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
Don't feel like you have to keep track like that. If you don't crit back every once in awhile it's no big deal at all.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black