#1
Singing in in normal text screams are italicized Under line means it is sung together things in "()" are background vocals probably said into guitar pickups

[Intro / First Verse]
You're always beside me, Always falling apart
(But there is hope)
There is a hand that glows in the distance
It glows with every drink you start
(And now you cope)
With every talk comes a chance
Please, just one word of hope
But I'm trying not to fall in
Why The F*** Did you let this win?!


[Chorus]
If only I hadnt strayed
You might be right here beside me
Oh how I wish this was not real
I just want to change this way we feel
If only you were right here beside me

[Verse 2]
Every day our commotion would be heard
F*** The Third
Everyday your words become slurred,

They play over and over again
(Over and Over)
I could see you tense

I could see you struggling
In this wasted sea
In this Pixilated Sea...

But Maybe

[Chorus 2]


This is all I got so far. If you have any questions to its meanings i'd gladly explain. Please feel free to critique and ask for one in return.
Last edited by mtgold83 at Nov 17, 2009,
#2
i this you should do the Chorus 2 apart from that great work so far
#3
Maybe put the screamed parts in italics or something, the way this is organized makes it hard to follow. Other than that it's pretty good.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#4
You've put together a pretty generic song in terms of phrasing, and I really do wish you would have expanded on the few original ideas you had, especially in the last few lines.

I also thought that the backing vocals, different methods of singing and overall changes in the delivery really made this a bit of a mess. Perhaps it would sound okay, but seeing this as lyrics at the moment is making it difficult to follow the content.

It's a bit underdeveloped in my opinion and you can make it even more your own with unique wording and ideas like in the end of what you have so far. Feels very raw still and a bit cliché in most of the lines. You can definitely take it to the next level.
This is not a pipe
#5
Hmm it does sounds cliche in the first verse and chorus to me. The second verse gets better seems more intense and with more emotion. I think if chorus 2 was intense like the second verse it'd be great
And if you have free time would u mind reading my piece Mr. & Mrs. Death? thx