#1
C4C ( leave link )

[ For the movie comp, about the movie "Let The Right One In". ]


Can I come into your life?
Think well before you answer,
for I’ll spread in you like cancer
both with love and disease.
How have you lost yourself
inside these lifeless eyes?
You’re cursed now, but not with my
immortality. I can’t
haunt you. You’re too innocent,
spontaneous, impetuous
to fully understand
how irresponsible you are;
but I come for you.
I come for you every night,
for I yearn towards you enough
to leave my empty stomach
growling like a starving wolf
and screeching like a baby bat.
You’re discovering your instincts
while I deal with my killer ones.
Such an innocent murderess
I am; too old to be too young
not to know how to deal with the
powerlessness of loving you.

I starve for you and you just love me;
and for that, this hunger’s taste is worth.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Nov 17, 2009,
#2
I thought you got very creative but I did not like the run-on sentence structure. It was fine in the beginning but by the end I was just kind of confused as to how the beat went. Maybe that was an effect you were trying to make and if so that is fine. But I feel like you have a good premise (not sure if I am using that word right) here, I just do not like the run-on sentence structure you chose.

C4C https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1218367
#3
I really quite enjoyed that. It reminds me of the kind of style I'd write in, but I much prefer your work. Some really great imagery used, too, I love it.

If I was to criticise anywhere, I would say that you should probably make "I can't haunt you" one line by itself, it makes it a little more definitive.

But overall, this is fantastic. Keep up the good work.