#1
This is a piece I wrote for a lovely american exchange student that I met recently. Constructive criticism is more than welcome. I'm not sure whether to amalgamate the first two verses but I suppose it doesn't really matter? C4C (If you give me a small crit I will return a similar crit, full ones will be returned)

V1

So beautiful, so vulnerable
you seem like you might shatter
In a moment's change, a strange delay
right now that doesn't matter

V2

I run my clumsy fingers
across your delicate cheekbones
Trying to say so many things
in an unfamiliar zone

Chorus

I swear your eyes can see my soul
so luminous and pure
After all of this is done
I hope I can see yours

V3

Our passion's short, our time is gold
my mind disintegrates
In a frenzied state, then calm again
my limbs refuse to rest

Bridge

Your heart is still recovering
from a trampling
it did not deserve
Trying to repair itself
your sleeve far too uncertain
to cradle it

Chorus

V4

I'll toss and turn all night
in your tiny single bed
I'm happy here, in a strange way
a restless compromise has been made.
#2
Quote by Gord_90
This is a piece I wrote for a lovely american exchange student that I met recently. Constructive criticism is more than welcome. I'm not sure whether to amalgamate the first two verses but I suppose it doesn't really matter? C4C (If you give me a small crit I will return a similar crit, full ones will be returned)

V1

So beautiful, so vulnerable
you seem like you might shatter
In a moment's change, a strange delay
right now that doesn't matter

V2

I run my clumsy fingers
across your delicate cheekbones
Trying to say so many things
in an unfamiliar zone

Chorus

I swear your eyes can see my soul
so luminous and pure
After all of this is done
I hope I can see yours

V3

Our passion's short, our time is gold
my mind disintegrates
In a frenzied state, then calm again
my limbs refuse to rest

I liked this entire poem all the way up to the word disintegrates. I think it is too long and has too many syllables to fit this poem. Plus you used simple vocabulary all the way up to this point which IMO added to the effect. Unless you have this sounding terrific with the music I would suggest changing it.

Bridge

Your heart is still recovering
from a trampling
it did not deserve
Trying to repair itself
your sleeve far too uncertain
to cradle it

I would say "to cradle it" needs a couple more syllables to fit the verse.

Chorus

V4

I'll toss and turn all night
in your tiny single bed
I'm happy here, in a strange way
a restless compromise has been made.
I think you could have ended it better than "a restless compromise has been made" I think it is effective but I would prefer a better ending. You can keep it if you wish I mean it is good, I just think it could be better.


Overall this was a fantastic love song. Kudos my friend

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1218367
#3
So beautiful, so vulnerable
you seem like you might shatter
In a moment's change, a strange delay
right now that doesn't matter

I thought it was a pretty strong opener, except the last line. It didn't feel like it fit. Loved the third line

I run my clumsy fingers
across your delicate cheekbones
Trying to say so many things
in an unfamiliar zone

I liked this as well. 'Zone' I feel could be changed to something else, unless you absolutely need it to rhyme. It feels out of place. Kind of feels calculated, vs. the other lines giving me feel more of a raw feeling.

I swear your eyes can see my soul
so luminous and pure
After all of this is done
I hope I can see yours

Well written, if not a bit cheesy. I loved the use of luminous/pure.

Our passion's short, our time is gold
my mind disintegrates
In a frenzied state, then calm again
my limbs refuse to rest

I thought this was a wonderful display of the things you feel when you're with someone. The hurried change between being enveloped in passion then being pushed back into a normal (albeit love-stained) state of mine.

Your heart is still recovering
from a trampling
it did not deserve
Trying to repair itself
your sleeve far too uncertain
to cradle it

Loved this. Don't know what else to say. It was solid.

I'll toss and turn all night
in your tiny single bed
I'm happy here, in a strange way
a restless compromise has been made.

Last line was one of the best in the piece, in my opinion. Also possibly the strongest verse. It wasn't particularly mind blowing, it was just so solid, the delivery was great.

Overall a very nice piece. I appreciated the couple rereads about as much as the first, which I only can manage when I really like it.

I've got a blog up, if you'd like to go read and comment it. It's a story.