#1
So this is just something that popped into my mind head. I'm thinking I might use it as a chorus for a song, or scrap it, not really sure. I know its kind of cliche'd. Any feedback would be helpful.

Will you fight for the rights of the ones with no might?
Will you carry the burden? Your torch is alight.
Will you follow or lead, even give up your life
To become what we need: a bright burning flame in the night.
They say that in the army, the food is mighty fine.
The chicken jumped off the table and killed a friend of mine.

Oh lord, I want to go home.
But they won't let me go-o
Ho-oho-ohohahohohome. Hey!
#2
it all depends on the genre of your band (in my opinion) though i could definitely hear rise against using those lyrics. I like them.
#3
i liked it, it flowed well in my head. i think that you just need to get rid of either "bright" or "burning" in the last line, so its either "a bright flame in the night" or "a buring flame in the night". either sounds good but bright flame flows just that much better
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win
Last edited by NOTAFOX at Nov 17, 2009,
#4
If it helps, its in 3/4, each syllable in the chorus is a beat, The first "Will you" is beats 2 and 3 of a measure, and there's one beat of rest between "need" and "a".

EDIT: I added two verses, it needs a bridge next but I'm not sure what the bridge needs to say. Here's what I have so far

Verse 1:

Alone in the sanctuary, a man kneels in prayer.
Tomorrow he takes up his sword; tonight his soul is stripped bare.
As he sits in the darkness a voice in the silence comes crashing into his mind.
It asks him the question: the truth of his oath, the answer he must find.

Chorus:

Will you fight for the rights of the ones with no might?
Will you carry the burden? Your torch is alight.
Will you follow or lead, even give up your life
To become what we need: a bright burning flame in the night.

Verse 2:

Surrounded by strangers in a stark, brightly lit room
Stripped of his old self, he prepares to exit the womb.
As he stares at the desk and the paper upon it determination sets in.
Now is the time that he swears to his oath, and answers the question within.

Chorus:

Will you fight for the rights of the ones with no might?
Will you carry the burden? Your torch is alight.
Will you follow or lead, even give up your life
To become what we need: a bright burning flame in the night.


C4C?
They say that in the army, the food is mighty fine.
The chicken jumped off the table and killed a friend of mine.

Oh lord, I want to go home.
But they won't let me go-o
Ho-oho-ohohahohohome. Hey!
Last edited by militantRocker at Nov 18, 2009,
#5
hey.....i kno u've almost written the whole song but i wud like to say that the chorus u took shud be taken as the outro(according to me) it really gives a BOOM! impact at the end..and i just began writing songs(i am 14) and i am totally impressed by ur lyrics..gr8 wrk..try usingit as the outro(itll sound like RATM)