#1
there's an old chapel in the forest near my neighborhood,
its where young kids go to fu.ck or make love,
to sell and buy drugs,
to ring out their so and so luck.
i've been there once,
with olivia,
we didn't stay long.
there was a line three couples deep,
all legs crossed and hands locked,
all dead eyed and finger fu.cked,
we waited in line for an hour,
we could have easily just went off into the woods somewhere,
found a knoll, or a valley, or a little cave,
there was just something about that chapel,
painted white with pre pubescent semen,
littered with pregnancy tests and garters from prom night,
we just wanted to be a part of it.
like leaving your gum underneath a lunch table,
writing 'sam was here' on a tree in your backyard,
we both wanted to leave our mark before we left town for college.
next in line she started to kiss my neck,
started to undo my pants,
we could hear the other couple from inside,
apparently the girls name was lisa and the boys marcus [sometimes marc],
i took off her shirt and kissed the tattoo of a sleep walking baby on her shoulder.
unintentionally i took notice of the redwoods behind us,
so tall, solemn, carefree,
the bark on the base of one very much resembled a brown bear,
the bark on another just looked like bark,
she took off her socks,
she didn't like to have sex with socks on,
i didn't care either way.
the other couple walked out when i saw a cloud that looked like an elephant,
i saw honey bees make the face of lincoln,
i saw us dripping sweat not really caring,
we skipped our turn,
let the couple behind us go and just picked dead president's faces out of the ferns and insects and leaves and regrets.
Last edited by rushmore at Nov 18, 2009,
#2
There was an elevator like that in a dorm I lived in once all painted with semen lol, good work man I liked the Imagery.
#3
Quote by rushmore
we didn't stay long.

That line spoiled the ending
I'd suggest cutting it

Otherwise, i would have to say I wasn't too impressed with this,
it seems too detached for the topic at hand
#4
hm, thank you both.
i think detachment is perfect, whether or not i executed right is whatever, i have to go to work, ill edit an explanation in later.
#5

I wrote a piece about a chapel once. This is probably better, though. But yeah.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I liked it, but it lacked the sophistication of your other works, which is why its not a favorite of mine. As CC said, great imagery.
#7
I'd agree that there's not much sophistication. But it desn't seem like it's supposed to be sophisticated. Amazing imagery! I honestly felt like i could see everything you wrote about. It didn't flow very well all the way through, but i felt like that made it more real. I think it was actually better for a lack of flow. This has a great feel to it. It definitely feels like it was written by the kind of person that would experience this (if that makes any sense). Overall, it's great!
#8
i don't ever consider anything i write sophisticated, but yes, this was a bit more straight forward than usual maybe, i think it compliments the storyline though. thanks for the feedback.
#9
Why on earth would this piece need to be 'sophisticated'?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!