#1
Not too sure about this one. Feels too personal and generic. But I had to write it. Hopefully someone will like it. Anyways, crit4crit, of course.

FOOL'S GOLD

Left me without a dime
But the only change I want
Is for you to change your mind
For you to change your heart
But all I ever get
Is their priceless two cents
Always asking why
I go back to kiss your ass

That’s just a figure of speech
But I need it to be literal
So don’t kill my dreams, you know
I can’t pay for the funeral

I know the crimes you committed
So I’m knocking down your door
Gonna turn you inside out
And collect the goddam reward

I search through the sofa
For some change in your mood
Because he can’t afford to
Pay attention to you
If your love doesn't come cheap
Why you always sell yourself short
I treat a wh0re like a queen
He treats a queen like a wh0re

Hopefully you’ll open your eyes
You’ll look inside your heart and see
He’s no good for you, before I
Realize you’re no good for me

I know the crimes you committed
So I’m knocking down your door
Gonna turn you inside out
And collect the goddam reward

If I haven’t given you love
Then I don’t know how to give it
I’m the money tree that always
Lets you pick clean the branches
And now that I’m standing here
Barren by your autumn
I can’t help but to hope
You’re just a phase I’ll grow out of
Last edited by themarsvolta at Nov 25, 2009,
#2
Quote by themarsvolta
Not too sure about this one. Feels too personal and generic. But I had to write it. Hopefully someone will like it. Anyways, crit4crit, of course.

FOOL'S GOLD

Left me without a dime
But the only change I want
Is for you to change your mind
For you to change your heart
But all I ever get
Is their priceless two cents
Always asking why
I go back to kiss your ass

I didn't enjoy this verse, too generic I think.


That’s just a figure of speech
But I need it to be literal
So don’t kill my dreams, you know
I can’t pay for the funeral

Yeah this is much, much better. The rhyming here works it doesn't feel forced, something that people can find hard to do.

I know the crimes you committed
So I’m knocking down your door
Gonna turn you inside out
And collect the goddam reward

Hmm I might suggest maybe using 'that goddamn reward' as I can you're looking on this with contempt, I believe that would work better.

I search through the sofa
For some change in your mood
Because he can’t afford to
Pay attention to you
If your love does come cheap
Why you always sell yourself short
I treat a wh0re like a queen
He treats a queen like a wh0re

The rhyming here is too simple for this to work, go beyond mood/you etc. I also didn't like the flow of the last two lines.

Hopefully you’ll open your eyes
You’ll look inside your heart and see
He’s no good for you, before I
Realize you’re no good for me

Cliche. You should try to work around those ideas.

I know the crimes you committed
So I’m knocking down your door
Gonna turn you inside out
And collect the goddam reward

If I haven’t given you love
Then I don’t know how to give it
I’m the money tree that always
Lets you pick clean the branches
And now that I’m standing here
Barren by your autumn
I can’t help but to hope
You’re just a phase I’ll grow out of

There was nice nice imagery here and the ideas were good, I think the flow between L3 and L4 didn't work. I think 'Barren' stands out a lot here, you haven't used many strong words such in the song so to drop it there feels a bit weird. Nice finish.



You can demonstrate that you can write well but you lack in consistency with your ideas and phrases. It can be a bit all over the place with that I think. Also try to go outside the cliches and that generic writing. There is some great lines but you need to be consistent for this work to really shine. I think it needs to be re-worked a bit, then it could be a strong piece. A good start I think.

Also personal is a good thing, to really to be noticed here and in the world you need to pour your soul out intelligently. So everyone can go away actually feeling something.
#3
ok, it is a bit generic and personal, but it also sounds like it would be a really fun song to listen to, one of those that stick in your head with those damn lyrics that are groundbreaking, but infectuous. It really drives along, too. I hear it in my head as a kind of Foo Fighters balls-out rocker, but that's just cause of how fast it's paced when I read it. I won't tear it to bits, I don't like doing that to songs, I believe you can't truely critique lyrics without hearing the music to go with it. But I enjoyed reading this. If you feel like it, "Eels Quatros" in my sig.
#4
Quote by themarsvolta
Not too sure about this one. Feels too personal and generic. But I had to write it. Hopefully someone will like it. Anyways, crit4crit, of course.

FOOL'S GOLD

Left me without a dime
But the only change I want
Is for you to change your mind
For you to change your heart
But all I ever get
Is their priceless two cents
Always asking why
I go back to kiss your ass

(This is slightly generic, I feel like you could have said the same thing in a more eloquent way. The concept isn't bad, it lacks execution and tact though.)

That’s just a figure of speech
But I need it to be literal
So don’t kill my dreams, you know
I can’t pay for the funeral

(Much better, good rhyme scheme as pointed out before.)

I know the crimes you committed
So I’m knocking down your door
Gonna turn you inside out
And collect the goddam reward

(Same thing as the first verse, but I like this one better in any case. I think the last line feels a little awkward)

I search through the sofa
For some change in your mood
Because he can’t afford to
Pay attention to you
If your love does come cheap
Why you always sell yourself short
I treat a wh0re like a queen
He treats a queen like a wh0re

(Great until the last 2 lines, they feel forced to me.)

Hopefully you’ll open your eyes
You’ll look inside your heart and see
He’s no good for you, before I
Realize you’re no good for me
(kinda weak)

I know the crimes you committed
So I’m knocking down your door
Gonna turn you inside out
And collect the goddam reward

If I haven’t given you love
Then I don’t know how to give it
I’m the money tree that always
Lets you pick clean the branches
And now that I’m standing here
Barren by your autumn
I can’t help but to hope
You’re just a phase I’ll grow out of


(Hey. This is good. It's more cleverly written than most of the rest of the piece and has great flow to it.)

Overall it isn't terrible, and it doesn't seem uninspired, it just doesn't seem like it's as focused as it could be.