#1
Not my best writing, but this is how i felt when i was writing, so this is how i wrote it. It's about a 6 year old girl diagnosed with childhood schizophrenia. She hallucinates just about constantly. She can't safely live with her parents, but she can't go to a treatment facility, because most of them are not built for the long term care of children. Her name is January Schofield.


133 days,
muscles lock up
minds f/cked up
mine's f/cked up

Dystonia morning
hysterical evenings
put me in the room
I feel safe

play it safe
for the kids
for the kids,
There's no hope

get out while you can,
It's more than you can handle
cause it's heating up
200 degrees and it's only getting hotter

24 hours
200 the rat
Magical 61
400 the cat

four hundred different reasons
not to wake up
not to shut your eyes
not to say hello anymore,

not to look to the water
under this hot
Calilini sky,
waiting to go home

No,
I'd rather go live
with the rats
then worry about it,

if you can love me
without seeing me
No, I'd rather
go live with the rats.

I love you
But I am afraid,
You love me
But I can't come home.
Last edited by SunsetAlphabet at Nov 19, 2009,
#2
I think this a piece with potential dotted with awful cliches. Weed them out and I think you may have something good.
#3
Quote by michal23
I think this a piece with potential dotted with awful cliches. Weed them out and I think you may have something good.


Agreed. It's a strong topic to write about, but the piece itself needs a little shaping, there are some imperfections here and there. For example,
200 degrees and it's only getting hotter
This seemed quite irrelevant to the story of a 6 year old schizophrenic girl. Not quite sure about it.
#4
When she told her parents that the temperature in Calilini had reached 200 degrees, they knew it was going to get worse. Shortly after, it did.

Calilini is the name of the city that borders her hallucinated world and the real world. All of her hallucinations live there.