#1
Hey guys, I haven't wrote anything in a minute, but I thought I'd post this new little nugget I whipped up recently. C4C obviously

Full frontal,
ass-end assault.
I'm just hoping,
(To be honest),
I wouldn't mind
My sudden loss.
Uninhibited
just for once

Long lost,
Lust is back in town
This is the welcome home
Jailbait parade

Tactfully tasteless

Diagnosis:
Public Broadcast Syndrome.
Airing your lingerie on my bedrails,
The town's gonna hear it all tonight.


Her fangs are sunk in deep,
(She's got both hooks in!)
And we're goin' to sleep

I ain't saying,
I'm just saying;
This goes against my better judgement.
Tangled like serpents
I'm losing my breath
As my muscles tense for the final struggle:
Physical positions / emotional investments
In a complicated package
Last edited by jimmy388 at Nov 21, 2009,
#2
I really enjoyed reading this piece. I particularly enjoyed the cynical, biting tone it had. The only thing that really bothered me was the last three lines of the second stanza. It just didn't seem to flow right. Also, I recommend adding punctuation to this piece. I think it will help clear up the flow in some spots. Anyways, sorry this is crit is so short, but I really don't see much wrong with it. Nice job with this man.

Crit mine please
Fool's Gold
#5
Okay, so I'm not really in the mood to do a proper crit, so apologize for being brief.

So I didn't like the first two stanza's... especially the first one, didn't say a thing to me. After that the piece got a lot better, but I'm still trying to get what you're trying to transmit. Oh yeah, I hated the line "I ain't saying". The rest of the stanza though was pretty good.

Can't think of anything else to say.
#6
The idea/scene I'm trying to transmit/paint would be one of morality vs. physical needs and the conflict I have therein. Basically I'm quite randy but very conscious of how physical interactions can turn into something much more for me. I've also been wanting to write something kind of dirty sounding and this was my first foray into that