#1
Emptiness doesn't forget;
every moment we spent
half wanting, half waiting,
gazing at haphazardly
cross-hatched vapors
didn't fade with
twilight;
revisions won't change
the boiling remarks,
(you breathed defiance
in my ears)
the bled-white
insults, nor
the golden tears
falling between your legs;
Plan B doesn't work here
the rapid-access files
spear our guts with
the latest egotistic poisons;
Sorry about your irony,
but
emptiness doesn't let us forget.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Nov 22, 2009,
#2
Interesting piece, stark but evocative. Some interesting lines. Two things, 1) Did you mean 'the bled-white insolent insults'? And 2) and possibly most importantly, I don't understand what the irony you refer to is - either you don't actually mean irony, or you haven't made it clear enough.

With a few revisions I think this is a really good piece.

See mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1232419
#3
I kind of liked "bled-white insulate insults," thinking in my head that you were standing the verb insulate for the adjective insulating in a vaguely James Joycean poetic sort of mode. That was fine with me. On the other hand, if you did mean "insolent," as el_jimbo suspected, that's an entirely different word, and you should change it.

The first thing that bothered me was the use of semi-colons. After I figured out what was going on grammatically in the first sentence, I didn't mind them so much there. However, in the last sentence, they just seem sort of pretentious, especially given how many of the things there are in this poem.

Myself, I would probably also change the "gazing... vapors" bit into an aside - a parenthetical expression set off by commas or hyphens. That's maybe just me. I think it would make the sentence easier to follow.

All that said, the one thing that really has to be changed is the grammar in the second clause of the first sentence. "Every moment" is a plural subject, which would take "they" as a substitution pronoun. Consequently the verb should be "don't," rather than "doesn't."

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Nov 20, 2009,