#1
c4c.

scorched fumes absorb downtown,
crawling among hundreds of breathing engines
as beach gulls wander aimlessly in the locks of embrace.
similar to an attraction,
but these faded streets and neon lights are hell
compared to muffled trains on windswept nights,
where you’re only disturbed by a mute drunk (or two)
a thirsty match waiting to be caught
yet rattling tracks, the haze
of suburban streets,
foggy alleyways,
aerosol cans,
and the loop to;
Parliament,
Melbourne Central,
Flagstaff,
Southern Cross,
Flinders Street station,
allows this dusty candle to stay alight
as buskers howl outside office buildings
in the cascade that never falters,
'nor sheds a tear.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Nov 20, 2009,
#2
I would really like to see this piece seperated into more than just one stanza with some punctuation thrown in there. Alos I think the first and second line should be switched. I don't know, it just feel more right to me. A few lines seem too short and a few seem too short. Maybe its just the way i'm reading it, but If eel some lines can be adjusted to help with the flow. The last line particualrly bothered me. It just seems a little too short and abrupt of an ending. I would squeeze in a couple syllables. Anyways, I do like this piece. I'm really digging the imagery you have going on here. I just feel that the flow could be touched up on. No big deal though.

Crit mine please.
Fool's Gold
#3
Quote by themarsvolta
I would really like to see this piece seperated into more than just one stanza with some punctuation thrown in there. Alos I think the first and second line should be switched. I don't know, it just feel more right to me. A few lines seem too short and a few seem too short. Maybe its just the way i'm reading it, but If eel some lines can be adjusted to help with the flow. The last line particualrly bothered me. It just seems a little too short and abrupt of an ending. I would squeeze in a couple syllables. Anyways, I do like this piece. I'm really digging the imagery you have going on here. I just feel that the flow could be touched up on. No big deal though.

Crit mine please.
Fool's Gold


I take your comments into consideration but it was my intention by having it one thing, so that you were given distorted, gritty shots which changed as it progressed. It would not have the same effect if separated. Don't think however that I am ignoring your advice. I'm not sure if the first two lines will be changed, i'll dwell on that I think.

Thank you, i'll take a look at yours.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Nov 20, 2009,
#5
Quote by themarsvolta
I get what you're saying. That's cool. But I still think some punctuation would help.


Mm definitely there's a fine line with punctuation. Having too much or not enough. I'm trying to float somewhere in the middle here. I'll take a look at it later, too tired at the moment thanks again.