#1
We are they atomic slime
pest control from back in time
human meat sacks wave goodbye
abandon hope and prepare to die

Locust swarms of mass creation
shaping earth's eradication.
The sound of evil crafts your tomb
lake of fire seals your doom


Darkness consumes you
gripping on your soul
madness completes you
a slave forever more

#2
We are they atomic slime
pest control from back in time (interesting thought)
human meat sacks wave goodbye (why meat sacks?)
abandon hope and prepare to die (to me, this sounds to big to be at the beginning of a poem)

Locust swarms of mass creation (this makes me believe this poem is about consumerism)
shaping earth's eradication
The sound of evil crafts your tomb
lake of fire seals your doom( good two lines, nice beat)


Darkness consumes you
gripping on your soul
madness completes you (i like this)
a slave forever more (again consumerism? but i feel like maybe you should have a parallel structure going on like you, soul, _____, or maybe change the second you )


all in all I think it is an interesting concept, but please expand upon the time element of the poem
#3
Quote by dylanfromearth
all in all I think it is an interesting concept, but please expand upon the time element of the poem


That sentence literally just gave me two new versus. Thanks!
#6
Really reminded me of Slaughterhouse-Five!

I normally don't like lyrics this heavy, but for some reason I fell in love with it. I agree with the rest of the guys in this thread though, expand on the time aspect!
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#7
I disagree. Even though it is on the short side, it's almost perfect. The meat sacks thing didn't sit well with me, but oh well. But, if you add to this and you don't do it right, it'll screw the entire thing up. I say just leave it as it is.
#8
I tried a couple things last night and ended up doing nothing to change it, the meat sacks thing was just something that came into my head when i wrote it, i could swap it but "cretins" or "maggots" didn't work so well. I think i'm gonna leave it at the moment.

Thanks for the comments guys.
Last edited by Alkaline 64 at Feb 25, 2010,