#1
turning the screw... aren't you?
or are the tools just to take me apart?
then the glue... to hold you?
down and down and down

a freak like me... scares you
and I won't shave...

and I won't shave - to hurt you
each new kiss a rash upon your lips
spreading out around your hips

sharpening... those nails
scratching out an s-o-s
then the glue... to hold you?
down and down... there

and I won't shave - to hurt you,
with each new kiss upon your lips
(spreading out around your hips)
navigation via the flick, they will call us sick
babe we're making the clocks tick

'til time stops still... we'll move
dissolving the glue
and turning back the screws

I thought a freak like me... scared you
down and down and down
I won't shave... falling down and down and down
there
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Nov 22, 2009,
#2
First of all thank you for the comment. You always know how to brighten my day. Anyways, onto the crit. I'm glad to see that your writing still has that quirky, damn near creepy feel to it. But, I'm having a really big problem with the way this piece is laid out. I understand that not all poetry needs to read like a sing-a-long, but as of now the flow of the piece is extremely jarring, which at least for me makes it a difficult task to read. Most of it has to do with the lines with the ellipses. I'm not really feeling that pause there, and I would much rather have them be seperate lines. Anyways, I hope to read more from you soon.
#3
Yeah ta Joseph. I was looking to break expectation with the flow - I tend to try and punctuate to the melody in my head, and I believe the metre is generally okay; though I accept it is rather more jarring than I tend to scribe.

Thanks for the tagback.