#1
lyrics.

they made us mortal so our pains dig deep
childhood mirrors stalk you in your sleep
their hyena laughs and hackneyed poetry
remind you over and over and over again
over and over again

and they love to change the shape of your face
those scribbled portraits of your past mistakes
you're so fucking ugly i hope you look away
ignore it over and over and over again
over and over again


you silly child of the wind
born spitting out your sins
as if they could ever leave your lips


sneak beneath the crease of the horizon
because every odyssey needs a siren
tangled in her lyrics you can be reminded
reminded over and over and over again
over and over again


sat next to an eagle when you flew first class
why its wings were clipped, you wouldn't dare to ask
whatever happens, keep going however you can
keep going and going and going again
going and going again
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
For a second I didn't think I had anything to give. Maybe it would be a tragedy if we left it alone. Maybe it would fit then.

You're trying pretty hard, aren't you? Develop some pattern that was pretty killer, and maybe we can keep it up and it would form something coherent, something substantial, or that may pass for it.

And it does, to a certain extent, but your third lines are keeping it together, keeping it from being cheap but they themselves achieve little, I think, but overseeing the whole thing is a manager with too much attention to detail. I'm sure it works, because this is good, really good, but I'm not feeling you. you silly child of the wind. odysseys and sirens, lurking on the horizon. by the time you see them, it's too late. oversee oversea and you're no longer a part of it. back up. you're onto something here.
#3
At first I didn't like the repetition at the end of each stanza, but you used it well. i really enjoyed this piece.
#4
"manager with too much attention to detail" - that's spot on up there in my opinion. nice call spike.

My own comment - I can forgo the repetition. I frequent songwriting often so have no problem with this (most of this "regular" lot forget the best songs pretty much repeat themselves over plenty of times).

My one concern is the real lack of zing! or any other word. The rhythm is dull, uninspired. It doesn't move like a song, it moves like a dull poetry recital. That may be to do with the wording - the too much attention to detail comment fits this point - where you've been so concentrated on each word you have forgotten the most important thing - the line, the lyric.

Find a beat and you might have something more impressive here. For now, I'm on the fence, and it seems only alright to me. But there's some neat ideas to develop there too

Have a good day.
#5
You are a very strong songwriter, one of my favourites on this forum, but god I'd love to actualy hear one of these songs.
#7
i actually don't have any music for this one. just a vocal melody. a few reasons i don't put up my songs is because i can never really capture the sound i want in the music so i feel like i'm doing the entire song an injustice. it's really frustrating but if i ever get what i want out of the music, then i'll post it for sure. but right now, most of my songs are just lyrics with vocal melodies and terrible guitar playing to accompany it haha

if any of you guys ever want to take my lyrics and put them to music, be my guest. i'd love to hear what you can come up with

and thanks for the crits too
here, My Dear, here it is
#10
Quote by SubwayToVenus
i actually don't have any music for this one. just a vocal melody. a few reasons i don't put up my songs is because i can never really capture the sound i want in the music so i feel like i'm doing the entire song an injustice. it's really frustrating but if i ever get what i want out of the music, then i'll post it for sure. but right now, most of my songs are just lyrics with vocal melodies and terrible guitar playing to accompany it haha

if any of you guys ever want to take my lyrics and put them to music, be my guest. i'd love to hear what you can come up with

and thanks for the crits too



I can't sing, but I have a friend who can. I'll see if I can put something together
This choice is passion, this path is tension.
#11
I felt the last two stanzas were horribly pale in comparison to the rest of the lyrics.

I'd also like to hear it though.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching