#1
“The body they found in the river wasn’t important. No one cared. They all knew who it was, why he had been killed, and who had done him in. It was boring. Imagine that, a death being boring.”
-Yesterday’s paper

She turns around in her swivel chair next to her father’s new Dell computer. Every time her brother walks by the doorway, on his way outside or inside or to the kitchen from his room he pedantically jeers, “dude, you’re getting a dell.” And every time he laughs his dry hyena laugh. She never saw the commercials and doesn’t get it. He laughs harder because she doesn’t understand. “you’re so immature” she hears him say when he’s already out of the frame. It takes forever for his low frequency sound waves to reach her ears. She thinks she remembers that his voice used to be crisper but her father says that’s just her memory playing its tricks again.

Her brother has never talked to her for more than five minutes. She’s started counting. Her father promises that when she was born, when her mother was still living with them, her brother used to talk at her for hours. Her brother had so many plans for the two of them. One day they were going to drive through Europe on a camel.

Her father works too many jobs. Her brother has so many friends. And ever since the doctor came last summer her body hasn’t felt like standing. But she stands sometimes, when she knows no one is looking, and sometimes she even brushes her teeth without the machine the doctor screwed into the wall.

Someone far away is videotaping her with 32mm film. Her father collects the data from the camera behind the bathroom mirror and inside the computer. And at the end of the years of research, ended not because the research wanted to be ended but because it needed to be, the tapes will be locked in the vault, sealed with concrete.

What a sad way to commemorate a life.
#2
I don't know, dude. I found it sad, but not moving. All tell and no show.

peace
#3
Quote by #1 synth
“The body they found in the river wasn’t important. No one cared. They all knew who it was, why he had been killed, and who had done him in. It was boring. Imagine that, a death being boring.”
-Yesterday’s paper

She turns around in her swivel chair next to her father’s new Dell computer. Every time her brother walks by the doorway, on his way outside or inside or to the kitchen from his room he pedantically jeers, “dude, you’re getting a dell.” And every time he laughs his dry hyena laugh. She never saw the commercials and doesn’t get it. He laughs harder because she doesn’t understand. “you’re so immature” she hears him say when he’s already out of the frame. It takes forever for his low frequency sound waves to reach her ears. She thinks she remembers that his voice used to be crisper but her father says that’s just her memory playing its tricks again.

Her brother has never talked to her for more than five minutes. She’s started counting. Her father promises that when she was born, when her mother was still living with them, her brother used to talk at her for hours. Her brother had so many plans for the two of them. One day they were going to drive through Europe on a camel.

Her father works too many jobs. Her brother has so many friends. And ever since the doctor came last summer her body hasn’t felt like standing. But she stands sometimes, when she knows no one is looking, and sometimes she even brushes her teeth without the machine the doctor screwed into the wall.

Someone far away is videotaping her with 32mm film. Her father collects the data from the camera behind the bathroom mirror and inside the computer. And at the end of the years of research, ended not because the research wanted to be ended but because it needed to be, the tapes will be locked in the vault, sealed with concrete.

What a sad way to commemorate a life.


It's a shame that this hasn't been getting much attention.

Your ideas are great and original but-

I just don't like how this is executed, it seems to get bogged down quickly with unnecessary facts and words. For instance you don't need to say the computer is a Dell when the brother will later jeer 'Dude you're getting a Dell" we know it's a Dell you don't have to keep telling us that.

Some of the words are a bit hit and miss here, I don't enjoy how 'dry hyena' works, i'll drop one of those words, it's too repetitive.

And it also seems to babble a bit, I think more should be explained instead of "this happened, then we got this and that'

All of this factors reduce our interest and in a sense the emotion from this work. Didn't care for the ending either. The start was fantastic though, the newspaper worked wonderfully.

This is told in an incredibly detached way (your intention) but it doesn't allow us to feel anything at all when you finish on "What a sad way to commemorate a life"

As harsh as it is I just felt "So What?"

This could be really great. Keep writing.
#4
^nah, I agree wholeheartedly.

this was written in two minutes while I was procrastinating a philosophy paper. posted it because I was hoping to hear a lot of the critisism that you both have laid out. will probably scrap it and salvage for ideas. Also, trying to put myself back in the mindset of the short story, something I havent even tried to write for three years.

Hopefully the next one I post will be more worthwhile. Thank you both so much for reading.
#5
What this suffers from is being torn between too much and too little. You offer too much information in too little space and attach little or no meaning to anything, which leaves the reader feeling empty. The ending is so abrupt and unpredicted that it feels like you've given me the first two and last two pages of a book, but forgot the 300 in the middle.
#6
hm.

Rewrite/reword this.
I think I'm into this kind of writing.
Take that however you like.
Promises meant a lot back then.