#1
have you ever met the girl
you thaught was your world
then it all falls apart.
and thats when you start
tryin to get her back
takin stabs in the dark
tearin pages out your heart
then you loose your spine
and you loose your cover
you realise you lost your one true lover
and you know deep dpwn inside youll never find another.
so you tell her

you can hate if you wana hate
discriminate
if you must discriminate
but note that for as long as it takes
for you to make your decision ill wait

so im waitin in the wings
while my heart still sings
hopin she returns atleast one of my rings
look i know i said some stupid things
i made a mistake
now im payin for it in full
can you ever find it in your heart to forgive an old fool?

coz you can hate if u wanna hate
discriminate
if u wanna discriminate
but note that for as long as it takes
for tou to make your decision ill wait.

plz crit and ill crit yours

leave a link.
thats when laughter turnes to tears
ive felt this way (over the years)
time fades but i remain (unchanged)

times are changing
tempers are raging
but i remain (unaging)

any help on how to improve this.
#2
A little bit cliche at times, pretty good though (Y)
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#3
This had a lot of cliches and none of the clever multi-syllable rhymes that make good rap what it is.
#4
Well okay in general, it's pretty good;

HOWEVER, it seems you want some girl back and are almost begging for her forgiveness at some point, but then you say "hopin she returns atleast one of my rings", meaning you want your stuff back? To me this is unclear. Also when you say "hate if you wana hate"; does that mean you wouldn't mind her disrespecting you?

And , I agree with Michal23- I find a good rap MUST include witty wordplays, as this is a type of music based almost solely on vocals.
#5
Quote by Noraburke
Well okay in general, it's pretty good;

HOWEVER, it seems you want some girl back and are almost begging for her forgiveness at some point, but then you say "hopin she returns atleast one of my rings", meaning you want your stuff back? To me this is unclear. Also when you say "hate if you wana hate"; does that mean you wouldn't mind her disrespecting you?

And , I agree with Michal23- I find a good rap MUST include witty wordplays, as this is a type of music based almost solely on vocals.

ring as in a phonecall...
#6
Quote by ninja.kitty
ring as in a phonecall...


Haha woops, my bad! Sorry about that! Makes a little more sense now
#7
Well okay in general, it's pretty good;

Also when you say "hate if you wana hate"; does that mean you wouldn't mind her disrespecting you?
QUOTE]
that bit is sayin that idont care if she hates me as long as she hates me for me and not for some made up story she may have heard.
it like i would rather she hates me for what i am than loveme for something im not.

you know what im sayin?
thats when laughter turnes to tears
ive felt this way (over the years)
time fades but i remain (unchanged)

times are changing
tempers are raging
but i remain (unaging)

any help on how to improve this.