#1
to no one. c4c. ots. etc.


prank calls
hey, if it sounds like i've been crying,
it's cause i have been,
for years at a time.
i've been shedding like a snake
over every word you spoke about
the yellowing of things.
how they rot and they fall,
and when you told me it'd be back
after a whitewash and soaking wet,
i wondered why because you'll just let it die again.
maybe, one day, you'll hold me in your arms,
and hate me like a child
for all i was in the beginning,
and all i won't be in the end,
and you'll let it go.
but as for now, i'm just trying to sleep,
so maybe you could let the phone ring.
i just want to sleep tonight.
#2
This reads really muddy-like Nick.

The way you've used punctuation doesn't feel natural or coherent - I have no problem with that, artistic freedom 'n all, but it jars the flow imo and anything that knocks me out of the read is a negative in my book.

I also think you're trying to be to over-elaborate with your wording. This could go on atkins - you need to lose the fat, so trim the fibre and keep the carbohydrates, the words and phrases that really move the reader.

For instance, I think the "hey" can be cut, even if it does link in with the title well. The "years at a time" is stuffy and problematic - do we really need to know this detail? Is it essential; just keep the "I've been crying" - the tense sees to the passing of time, and the ambiguity of said time can make this a little more reader friendly; allows them to draw some semblance of individual reading and interpretation.

Alot of the middle bit too really slows the ideas; "you told me", "I wondered", "you'll hold me"; you're narrating too much rather than opening your arms to the wide world of words and creating something more artistic, profound.

Yeah, I think this could be a nice little piece; nothing amazing but I think you can sculpt something better out of it. I think a more minimal approach to this would have been better - maybe even it would have got that quick-and-hang-up action of a prank call in too.

Have a good day.