#1
Ok this is the first time i've ever written a song i edited it a little but it's mainly the original. It's mainly a metal song about heart break. So please give me your opions and criticsm i'll do the same thank you.

To Long


Verse 1
It's been to long since i've been with you. All the bull shit you did to me
is through. Did you ever stop and think
think what's good for you is killing me? Every thing you do is wrong for me and
right to you!
Chorus
Its been to long since i've seen the sun rise! been to long since i've been with you!
Been to long since i've been alive!
Life is just a Simple game of Russian Roulet and it's your turn pull the trigger to your life
cant you see what's wrong with me without you?

Verse 2

It was never enough to tell you i loved you even when you would just laugh. This world is
spining but i'm still stoped in the past. Why cant this evil curse be lifted off of me. There
was a time when all we would do is talk why can't it be the same why do you hate me so?

Chorus
Its been to long since i've seen the sun rise! been to long since i've been with you!
Been to long since i've been alive!
Life is just a Simple game of Russian Roulet and it's your turn pull the trigger to your life
cant you see what's wrong with me without you?

Ending

You left me when i needed you when my life was broke is it a joke. You
cant win the game your life is on a contract. I've been alive to long just to be with you
and you cant accept the truth without you i'm dead.
#2
Come onnn dude, you were directed to read the rules. Please do, it helps in the forum and you'll be more popular that way. You know how all the cool kids with nerdy glasses that abide by house rules always get the girls? That's how it plays out around here.

If yo don't have a titled, stick with "untitled". I'm hoping for you a passing mod just renames this for you, gives you a chance, but if it gets closed, it gets closed. Thats what rules are for my friend.

As for the piece -

I'd try and set it out more like lyrics, than how it is now. Take a look inside the lyrics books of your albums. It is easier to catch a songs rhythm when set out in a better way - and brother, lyrics are all about the rhythm.

which is where reading it like this it struggles; it doesn't have decent pace, decent pop, jazz, spunk, etc. It lacks something that instantly in my head becomes melody.

It's a first song - and it's obvious. It always is, everyone's first song is obvious. Obvious that it is their first, obvious in the meaning that you just aren't subtle in the songwriting. Keep writing, get the basics down like rhtyhm and structure etc, learn the rules.

And then break those rules.

So keep it up. You can rhyme and rhyming is always fun, and when somethign is done at least a little right there is potential. So keep it up.

And welcoem to S/L, I presume it's an early visit. Like I said, stick to them rules here and you'll have a swell time.

Have a nice day