#1
So this isn't my best piece ever and it needs some improvement. That said, I would really appreciate any help you lovely folks could give me. The rhythm is a little strange in places, especially the first and third stanzas, but I have something that works. I kinda hear "The Times They Are A-Changin'" by Bob Dylan in terms of rhythm. C4C.

We stood before the judge and his self-righteous court,
looking for mercy in eyes full of scorn.
It took twenty years to form us
but a word to destroy:
“Guilty” they said and sent us away, saying
Death comes at dawn with the sun.

“Brother,” I said, “I'm afraid we are done
as rest for eternity comes with the sun.
Do you recall the oath of our youth,
to protect one another 'til death set us loose?

He said,
“I remember the breeze from the ocean that day
as it played with the flowers on mother's fresh grave,
the benediction quickly blown out to sea
and left our only anchor in the cliffs far from here.

I recall those first few months like it was just last week,
the biting chill of morning on this city's unforgiving stones.
We were wasting away in the her backstreet tombs
waiting for somebody to come to our rescue,
but we couldn't wait forever to be pulled from the dark,
so we vowed as brothers to be saviors to ourselves.”

As orphans we scraped by with begging at first,
but the hunger soon grew and we fast became thieves.
We snatched bread to begin with, but soon we stole coin,
and before we were men, we were brigands with blades.
We were boys with the world laid out for the taking
but justice, it seems, was just taking its time.

At the first peek of light we were dragged to the hill
where the blood of the guilty gives justice its fill,
then nailed to our crosses and raised in the air.
“Brother,” said I, “can you feel the breeze,
can you hear the waves that are fleeing the sea?
As brothers we came and as brothers we'll leave.”
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Nov 24, 2009,
#2
I will start of by saying Thank You kind sir for your very good critique.

I feel like this song is pretty decent. I like the story of two brothers sticking together til death but I feel like a little more imagery or character building is needed. You give their oath and their background but you dont reflect on the two to make me feel for them dying side by side. It just seems like another story. I think another verse or two could raise this song from decent to great. You know like reflect on their bond or something. Maybe reflect a bit more on when they make their vow. It was decent but certainly could be better.
#3
This has to potential to be very cool but I gotta agree with above it feels too short, but thats odd for me usually I don't recommend more length to anything because I like short works, but for some reason it drew me in and left me wanting to know more about these brigands with blades.
#5
Thanks for the help. I figured that might be a problem. I have edited it to try to help but I feel like there might still be some more that could be added. And as far as the title goes, yeah I can see that but I wasn't entirely sure what to call it.
#6
Great Job, it feels like there is something left out of the story, I dont recommend more length, but like what the others are saying, it great but something is missing. Really great job though, let me know if you make any changes.
#7
It's good to see you post again,
I'll totally be back tomorrow once I've had sleep, but for now I'll see that some of the wording is bit more formal than needs to be
#8
Quote by theoneandonlyq
So this isn't my best piece ever and it needs some improvement. That said, I would really appreciate any help you lovely folks could give me. The rhythm is a little strange in places, especially the first and third stanzas, but I have something that works. I kinda hear "The Times They Are A-Changin'" by Bob Dylan in terms of rhythm. C4C.

We stood before the judge and his self-righteous court,
looking for mercy in eyes full of scorn.
It took twenty years to form us
but a word to destroy:
“Guilty” they said and sent us away, saying
Death comes at dawn with the sun.
This is all good; I especially love the first two lines, although there really aren't any weak spots in this at all.

“Brother,” I said, “I'm afraid we are done
as rest for eternity comes with the sun.
Do you recall the oath of our youth,
to protect one another 'til death set us loose?
Repeating that the execution will be at sundown seems unneccisary. Some of the rhyming and wording here seems a little off, but it's still okay.

He said,
“I remember the breeze from the ocean that day
as it played with the flowers on mother's fresh grave,
the benediction quickly blown out to sea
and left our only anchor in the cliffs far from here.
This stanza all works well until the last line.

I recall those first few months like it was just last week,
the biting chill of morning on this city's unforgiving stones.
We were wasting away in the her backstreet tombs
waiting for somebody to come to our rescue,
but we couldn't wait forever to be pulled from the dark,
so we vowed as brothers to be saviors to ourselves.”
The second line sounds like it should end "unforgiving streets". The rest is fine.

As orphans we scraped by with begging at first,
but the hunger soon grew and we fast became thieves.
We snatched bread to begin with, but soon we stole coin,
and before we were men, we were brigands with blades.
We were boys with the world laid out for the taking
but justice, it seems, was just taking its time.
Nothing really sticks out to me here.

At the first peek of light we were dragged to the hill
where the blood of the guilty gives justice its fill,
then nailed to our crosses and raised in the air.
“Brother,” said I, “can you feel the breeze,
can you hear the waves that are fleeing the sea?
As brothers we came and as brothers we'll leave.”
I like this; a nice ending.
The piece needs some work, and I'm not sure how it'll fit with music, but as far a lyrical content, 8/10.

C4C? Anything from my sig would be nice.