#1
left stone sat and foot caught in
a waiting room, boy done deck scrubbed
the hallway floors with a push mop and bucket
of suds; wondering about what the ultra sound
looked like, in a matter of days, in a
matter of miles went on a mini-vacation
to place where we used to be, in De Pere
or Dayton, days away because of of
involuntary seperation. spent two
years waiting, left alone in a
room, rant to walk and jogged
a white wall, parted my hand
felt inside and pulled out my
bones, stuck it inside her
ovaries, just see if i could
see myself in her. left on a bus
for a mini-vacation away from her
heart, gone to decide where
i want to set up camp,
near the wet of the water
next to the pond where
i caught her.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
gone to decide where
i want to set up camp,
near the wet of the water
next to the pond where
i caught her.

oh man.

i thought the "just so i could see myself in her" was a little plain, idk.

i thought this was
great.
#5
Great ending.

I think you need to take a look and edit a little; there is a double "of" in there. If tat's on purpose and you're going for this stammerig narrator, I don't think it works. If it's by accident then yeah, typo.

I think you should drop the "in" on the second "matter" line, about miles, purely because I don't think the sentence reads very well. I also wasn't a fan of the use of "days" twice. "rant to walk" sounded awkward as well.

I'd probably agree with the above two guys on the "myself in her" thing. It's a cool (and unnervingly graphic) idea, but I feel either a) it didn't belong in this road-movie sort of piece or b) just wasn't executed as well as it could have been - though I think that's more to do with the first part of the line, about pulling out "my own bone". Didn't think that idea juxtaposed too well, imo.

Have a good day.