havent written a song in a while so i figured i would pull out a vintage one. This is one I wrote when I first started writing lyrics and playing guitar.

Tryin to get out, out of this maze,
This confusing, dazzling hazzling haze,
Delusions, Illusions they’re everywhere,
Cant stand the music it sounds like a fair,

Too many polka dots,
Too many doors, Too many lights,
Too many polka dotted doors with lights

Colors flyin all around,
No way out to be found,
It’s a funplex to perplex
It’s just simply too complex,


I am lightheaded now,
I’m as fast as a dead cow,
The world is spinning round and round,
Upside up, upside down,

Walkin’ on the floor
Walkin’ on the walls
Walkin’, walkin’ everywhere
As if there are no laws

Passed out down on the floor,
Can’t go on anymore,
Can’t go on anymore,
Can’t go on anymore,
Can’t go on,
Can’t go on.
I Can’t
Ok, so in your sig you say to crit songs harshly. I am only obeying instructions . This was very... rappish. Lots of rhymes crammed into a small space. Unfortunately, it also clouds the meaning or completely destroys it or loses me (Exhibit A: "fast as a dead cow"). The imagery was also sacrificed (Exhibit B: "sounds like a fair"). I mean, I have to agree the music generally encountered in fairs makes me want to jump off of a ferris wheel, but this bit still sounds weak.

All in all, this was pretty meh. It came across as a standard sort of "running away, must escape type of song" (Exhibit C: almost any Linkin Park song from their first few CDs...) with a very dense rhyme scheme. All that said, I understand that this is an oldie from the beginning and so all of these things are pretty understandable. Come to think of it... my first song was pretty much about this exact same topic. Having read some of your other, newer stuff (Heaven's Ring, for example) I can say you have come a long way, because I thought Heaven's Ring was pretty darn good. If you want, you can tear apart my latest effort (I would actually appreciate it if you would): https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1234966