#1

Metal heart cracked.
Cars floating in and out,
weaving pink wavelengths
together;
Being apart.
Crooked ribcages
smashed.
Totaled moralities.
Smiley icons instead
of air between teeth;
scar tissues in lips.
Not shy.
Dying sensitive censors.
Fatalistic narcissists.
Wire-tapped eternally.
Criminal justice criminally
cruel to corrupt;
raped deficit.
Religious graffiti.
Legislated ignorance.
Still tired after 1967.
Violent greed condoned.
Shooting stars denuclearized.
Funding for the fuckups.
Mediocre being beautiful.
Wondering why the gutter
doesn't taste so good any
longer;
waiting.
Delayed arrivals.
Gored education.
Rampaging depressives.
Depressing optimists.
Cliched.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Dec 2, 2009,
#2
i really liked this.
fitter happier inspired?

some of the line breaks were a bit awkward, but mostly i thought you did a great job.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#4
I like this apart from the use of capitalization. It was personally too much for me to take and be able to enjoy it fully. I felt it hampered the piece alot.

Some great lines in here. I enjoyed it.
#6
I'm going to be a bit of a blacksheep and say you got too bogged down in the words here. There's far too many adjectives and descriptions, and it's so tiny and condensed as far as line size goes that it almost becomes painful to read, like you're trying to squeeze this massive thick object through a pinprick. It's not a bad read, just not overly good.
#8
Quote by kdownes
I'm going to be a bit of a blacksheep and say you got too bogged down in the words here. There's far too many adjectives and descriptions, and it's so tiny and condensed as far as line size goes that it almost becomes painful to read, like you're trying to squeeze this massive thick object through a pinprick. It's not a bad read, just not overly good.


Its meant to be overwhelming and claustrophobic.