#1
lyrics, c4c.

Stagnant breath, hushed radio
curfew imposed gallantry
rally patrol, empty swings
Warehouse 95, 1970

You were barking up the supply lines
just crossed the border to Vietnam
and you stumbled upon enemy camps
where sulphur and dust covered the sky
and you told me about Stg. Thompson
who had a mouth as thick as thieves,
he was just due to retire last Thursday
when he was shot into a million pieces.
Man, his wife was just doing the laundry
when an old man came wobbling along
bearing a dead letter among other things
that let this bloody rain come in, come in
and we all succumbed to that dreaded heat
where your portrait on my mantle will petrify
my leaden heart shall keep for many lonely nights

and the cries of Apostle shall be heard
under these senseless catastrophes
and the last letter that you penned
was blistered with hell bent calamity

you wrote;
“We’ve been holed up in this jungle too long
and I just can’t remember the past few weeks,
the enemy post have gotten us pinned down
and our support haven’t contacted us for days.
It's silly how the stifling heat reminds me of nights
when I was allowed some leave to return home,
and we’d make shadows with our dancing bodies
for hours and hours and hours at a time, too late!
But these heroes, these men are falling like ants
and from the other side of the world I just know
I just know that I’ll never see you again love”


and the cries of Apostle shall be heard
under these senseless catastrophes
Warehouse 95, 1970.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Nov 28, 2009,
#3
Quote by Dayman
It's really good, it did a good job of raising some emotions in me. I didn't really feel much of a flow, but I have a hard time doing that without music accompanying.


mm thanks.
#4
I very much thought think it has a great flow and imagery. Not much else to say. Great piece
#5
Quote by hippieboy444
I very much thought think it has a great flow and imagery. Not much else to say. Great piece


Thanks a lot.
#6
Simple, but cool.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#8
who had a mouth as thick as thieves,

great line.

when he was shot into a million pieces
man, his wife was just doing the laundry
when an old man came wobbling along
bearing a dead letter among other things

this tripped me up a lot. flowed weirdly.

the rest was pretty great. the last two stanzas were the highlight.
#9
Quote by #1 synth
who had a mouth as thick as thieves,

great line.

when he was shot into a million pieces
man, his wife was just doing the laundry
when an old man came wobbling along
bearing a dead letter among other things

this tripped me up a lot. flowed weirdly.

the rest was pretty great. the last two stanzas were the highlight.


Yeah i think i'll add some more punctuation, it was meant to work like

Man, his wife was just doing the laundry
when an old man came wobbling along,
bearing a dead letter among other things
that let this bloody rain come in, come in.

Thanks for the crit.
#11
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14


he was just due to retire last Thursday
when he was shot into a million pieces.



I must admit, when I read this, I raised my eyebrows and said "Wow" These are two very powerful lines and I quite like them.
Overall it is an incredibly excellent piece.

WoTM? I'm thinking so.
#12
Quote by Bandit Eagle
I must admit, when I read this, I raised my eyebrows and said "Wow" These are two very powerful lines and I quite like them.
Overall it is an incredibly excellent piece.

WoTM? I'm thinking so.


Thank you I'm glad you enjoyed this.