#1
Give it a read... tell me what you think. Anything is welcome. Its more poetic than lyrical.


And in the morning I would know.
I would know that it would all finally be over
the entire scheme,
the entire setup,
this fake play,
and that the only thing that stood
in the way
was the separation of dawn from fully fledged day,
mere hours ahead into the future,
I would know then how I was to be chained to this life.
It was about to get harder too,
as having to say goodbye and all that generally seems to be.
I had even packed my bags earlier that day,
maybe I had already known the Truth about it all then,
maybe I somehow knew what was coming ahead
but was so blinded that I couldn't face
myself to see it anyways. I
wondered what the dark crows
of the bleak early morning would think of it all,
the blue jays whistling away
as I would walk on down that
long stretch of foreboding never-ending road
trying to match their tune as I left.
Who would see me leaving,
Would it be the mountains I always danced so close to,
hugging and tickling their great feet like an old friend?
Would it be the pavement, the streets that don't sleep,
and have never slept, the stop signs lines that get rolled
over all day long in the hot heat of the summer
and in the subzero tundra of the wintry night?
Where would I go, to the sea, to smell the salty air
and watch the bones of the waves shake
and get tossed back like the skeletons in my closet?
To the flatlands, to be crushed by the
hungry eternally open heavy space of the world?
I didn't know the answer to any of these questions;
I didn't know the answer to nearly anything anymore.
I knew my heart was breaking though
not broken yet
but cracked and knew it didn't have much longer
till the final splinters would split off sometime in the night
when I would realize the full extent of what
had happened.
But by then I would be somewhere else,
far off in another town, maybe galvanizing with new friends
and acquaintances, vagabonding drunk
freely without regrets, as who would've have known anything
of my previous life
those rat poisoned mistakes I’d made, and would make again?
I had no idea of where I was heading off to
what I was heading off to
or why I was heading off to it in the first place.
Sure, I must’ve had some vague ideas of places to go
and people to see
but mostly it seemed like there were
angels at my back
holy light pushing me ahead in full stride
sinless heroes of death insisting
I carry onwards through the fog and hold the burning torch
of heavenly flame high
above my sore shoulders for
the black twisted inferno demons and creatures
of the night to fear,
to somehow obtain their repentance.
I became a phantom, or fallen angel of myself
and sure I knew that this eventually had to happen,
seared and scarred sadness etched in the back of my mind
but instead of doing anything to prevent the inevitable...

I just sat there with my cold hands deep in the pockets of time, and my head down in my old jacket, shielding myself against the unforgivable and merciless blowing wind of the past as it shot through the star bitten night.
#2
Quote by Elioz

And in the morning I would know.
I would know that it would all finally be over
the entire scheme,
the entire setup,
this fake play,
and that the only thing that stood
in the way
was the separation of dawn from fully fledged day,
mere hours ahead into the future,
I would know then how I was to be chained to this life.
I really like these opening lines except the last one, for its very cliche. I also don't like the use of fake with play, as we usually don't think of plays as fake but more,,,malign maybe? I just think a clever association with play would be better suited.
It was about to get harder too,
as having to say goodbye and all that generally seems to be.
I had even packed my bags earlier that day,
maybe I had already known the Truth about it all then,
maybe I somehow knew what was coming ahead
but was so blinded that I couldn't face
myself to see it anyways. I
wondered what the dark crows
of the bleak early morning would think of it all,
the blue jays whistling away
as I would walk on down that
long stretch of foreboding never-ending road
trying to match their tune as I left.
the first line gives it away too much. I like the analogy though. nice bit here
Who would see me leaving,
Would it be the mountains I always danced so close to,
hugging and tickling their great feet like an old friend?
Would it be the pavement, the streets that don't sleep,
and have never slept, the stop signs lines that get rolled
over all day long in the hot heat of the summer
and in the subzero tundra of the wintry night?
Where would I go, to the sea, to smell the salty air
and watch the bones of the waves shake
and get tossed back like the skeletons in my closet?
To the flatlands, to be crushed by the
hungry eternally open heavy space of the world?
Diggin the comparisons. Great bit again.
I didn't know the answer to any of these questions;
I didn't know the answer to nearly anything anymore.
I'd consider taking these lines out; too foreshadowing.
I knew my heart was breaking though
not broken yet
but cracked and knew it didn't have much longer
till the final splinters would split off sometime in the night
when I would realize the full extent of what
had happened.
But by then I would be somewhere else,
far off in another town, maybe galvanizing with new friends
and acquaintances, vagabonding drunk
freely without regrets, as who would've have known anything
of my previous life
those rat poisoned mistakes I’d made, and would make again?
Love the first lines. The rest was decent. A step down from before, but no major concerns.
I had no idea of where I was heading off to
what I was heading off to
or why I was heading off to it in the first place.
You said that early. If you want to keep these lines, i'd suggest trying to make them less redundant.
Sure, I must’ve had some vague ideas of places to go
and people to see
but mostly it seemed like there were
angels at my back
holy light pushing me ahead in full stride
sinless heroes of death insisting
I carry onwards through the fog and hold the burning torch
of heavenly flame high
above my sore shoulders for
the black twisted inferno demons and creatures
of the night to fear,
to somehow obtain their repentance.
I became a phantom, or fallen angel of myself
and sure I knew that this eventually had to happen,
seared and scarred sadness etched in the back of my mind
but instead of doing anything to prevent the inevitable...
I don't know if I like the line break. It flows so well and then it jumps off a cliff, which maybe you wanted. This bit is good, a step up from the lateest previously mentioned stanza bit, but still not as good as the first parts.

I just sat there with my cold hands deep in the pockets of time, and my head down in my old jacket, shielding myself against the unforgivable and merciless blowing wind of the past as it shot through the star bitten night.The ending was disappointing. It was just one huige sentence that didin't give me an emotional response. You need a very powerful ending for this piece, as the parts leading up are great.


A very solid piece that I really enjoyed critiquing. Hope it helps Glad you posted.