#1
C4C.

Time;
is slipping by so slow.
I think I've lost all feeling;
I think I've lost control.

I;
have nowhere to go.
You were my last shelter;
you were my last hope.

My best;
is not enough for you.
I won't disgrace you with my presence,
you'll forget me, I know.

I'm done;
I was never here.
I can't expect you to know,
how could you under-

stand;
I'll always try for you.
I do everything that I can,
to keep my head out of the grave.

Today;
may be my last day.
I'm not really sure;
I don't really care.

Would you even notice;
if you never saw me again.
I tried, I really did.
It doesn't really matter.

My best;
is not enough for you.
I won't disgrace you with my presence,
you'll forget me, I know.

I'm done;
I was never here.
I can't expect you to know,
how could you under-

stand;
I'll always try for you.
I do everything that I can,
to keep my head out of the grave.

I;
I will not survive.
When this is all said and done,
you will be alone again.


How could you under-
stand;
I'll always try for you.
I do everything I can,
to keep my head out of the grave.

I;
I will not survive.
When this is all said and done,
you will be alone again.

I swear;
that I will not hide.
I'd rather just die, with my
head, high, in the air.

I swear;
that this is all for you.
Last edited by herby190 at Nov 25, 2009,
#3
Pretty good. I'm not a fan of the four-line clusters for the whole piece, maybe try mixing up the rhythms of each stanza a little. I do enjoy the closing part though, really rounded the piece off nicely.
#4
My personal opinion on songs is to not write with intention to make a song, just.... write. Thoughts and feelings, slam them down on paper, and then figure out how you want to sing it. This seems a lot like poetry, which is fine, but it won't seem like its from the heart if you sing it exactly like this. The way I write, I don't make every line the same length, and I adjust for this by adjusting the way I sing it to fit the music. I would figure out a chord progression for this and then add and subract bits where it seems fit.
#5
Ps: comment on my page with your reply, I probably won't get back to this post.
But I want to say, I'm not saying i hate your lyrics by any means, i just think this sounds like it would be more on the poetry side than on the lyric side. But that's MY opinion. Many people write poetry and make songs out of them.