#1
put your point in a place of importance
mix it in with the meat if you must
or they might ignore us... again
grab the attention that had decieved you
and sling it up on the stage in front
of all the paying customers... and friends

deal with these demons
sucking seeds like success
up their noses... oh oh

put a placard in your name on the wall
a dedication only fit for us all
or only you... ooh ooh
grab the emerald maid that believed you
and make an example of her in front
of all the guests... why not snap her neck?

deal with these demons
sucking seeds like success
up their noses... oh the excessive complications
derived from attempting to outdo
what she supposes is enough.. for you
oh-oh, oh-oh

deal with these demons in demand of some sort of rendevzous
with your clientele... or are they here for you?
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Nov 25, 2009,
#2
I'm gonna make the same complaint that on your last piece I critiqued on, damn those ellipses, damn them to hell. I don't like the stop and go feeling they give to the rhythm. It probably works as a song though. I really like the fun, sarcastic tone this piece had. I especially enjoyed the third stanza (mmm emerald maid nuts, so delicious). I just have a problem with the "sucking seeds like success up their noses" and the word cocaine not being mentioned. To me that word is just begging to be said. Anyways, nice job and if you like, feel free to critique/comment mine. Peace Bro.

The Cure For Trynaphobia