#1
I'll say that I'm not in the mood to return crits right now. Still, if you drop the a link, I'll try to drop a comment on it, but don't expect too much from me. Sorry.

It's just a little poem turned into a little song.


Peak ( Or Midway To )



Here,
we’re at the gates of romance,
waiting for our permission
to step into each other’s lives;

and, in there,
remain unconditionally.
In between this fragile edgy
peak and the heavenly

haven yonder,
there’s a rope tied to an abyss
which we’re still too
scared to hold on to.

But in your voice
rests the certainty
that if I fall down too easily,
in your body I’d trampoline

back to wherever
we are, with knotted ribs
that unite in our only
sternum.
One. We are
one. We’ll be
one. We will
overcome fragilities

and find
that there’s beauty in
a world that, after all,
has reasons worth to live.

I’ll be here, there, yonder and wherever for you.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Nov 25, 2009,
#2
Quote by seventh_angel

Peak ( Or Midway To )



Here,
we’re at the gates of romance,
waiting for our permission
to step into each other’s lives;

and, in there,
remain unconditionally.
In between this fragile edgy
peak and the heavenly


I like the last 2 lines here

haven yonder,
there’s a rope tied to an abyss
which we’re still too
scared to hold on to.

hate the word yonder. hate hate it

But in your voice
rests the certainty
that if I fall down too easily,
in your body I’d trampoline

back to wherever
we are, with knotted ribs
that unite in our only
sternum.
One. We are
one. We’ll be
one. We will
overcome fragilities

not sure why sternum is set apart and as a word it doesn't really fit in with the rest.

and find
that there’s beauty in
a world that, after all,
has reasons worth to live.


the last line is awkward

I’ll be here, there, yonder and wherever for you.



This is pretty good so there's not much to crit. I do feel like there is some awkward phrasing and perhaps some word choice issues, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, etc.

If you don't mind, take a look a these lyrics? They're much simpler and less poetic than this piece but take it for what it is por favor:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1235266
I want Super Saiyan abilities