#1
ok i think this song is good except for the chorus i need some help on that. But please critique and let me know what you think. If anyone has an idea of a chorus please let me know... I cant think of one for the life of me. This song is about how i am causing problems for my girlfriend indirectly... its really complicated but for instance the guy she used to date keeps yelling at her and stuff (haha dont wory i took care of that) but anyways heres the song

V1:
Are the stars out tonight?
or they blocked by the clouds in my mind
and when i close my eyes
it's still you shining bright
I sit watching cars go by
look up to see an empty sky
as i try to grab my thoughts
and wrap them all in a little box

Chorus:
I got up and ran
till i couldn't stand or see
and then it penatrates my thoughts
i did this you you indirectly

V2:
Now the lights have gone by
i begin to see tiny diamonds in the sky
i see one fall coult it be true
light so small, a thought of you

Chorus:
I got up and ran
till i couldn't stand or see
and then it penatrates my thoughts
i did this you you indirectly

v3:
As the sun begins to rise
our troubles will soon sink
But i wont leave like them
Dont worry, you'll always have me

Chorus: (2x)
I got up and ran
till i couldn't stand or see
and then it penatrates my thoughts
i did this you you indirectly

ya i know the chorus sucks any help?
#2
Hm. Well yes, I agree that the chorus just does not fit at all, however I cannot think of anything better. But besides that, it's not bad. I totally understand the message you're trying to put out. At times, indirectly affecting someones life in a bad was is worse than directly. These lyrics do a good job at capturing that feeling.

When you have the time, could you please crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=22406171#post22406171
R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio. Supplied amazing music to both me and my mother.

He will be missed.
#3
Not bad at all I think the chorus doesn't fit forsay but it could work. Dress it up a little bit. But I was able to read that and I had a melody for the whole thing, and coming from me is a very good sign. Keep it up. Can you check out mine on here? Its "dusk"
Quote by nashawa
You're my idol, so I must destroy you
#5
That's perfect, and I envisioned the same thing haha. I like it a lot, I'd love to hear it when its completed.
Quote by nashawa
You're my idol, so I must destroy you