#1
They came at dusk
Fully enthralled with the new night.
They bow'd in its majesty.
And said "will you take me."
"Take my life, son of night."
"Take my comfort, my blood, my soul"
The winters come and soon willl take its toll.
Good bye autums died.
Gone so swift beneith their horrid droll.
Spoke so silently the secrets they now sew.
From the faded scripts, forbidden words they once spoke.
From the place in my dreams last night. The stories and those long dead now slowly roam.
Now please, son of night, sink your teeth into my throat.
And ill slumber by morning.
Just to awaken to see the new night.
~~
A little morose but I'm influenced by
"Gothic" (I say that with a bit of sarcasm) poetry like Poe and Charles Bauldulaire(I know I misspelled it I always do) as well as bands like Bahaus, Sisters of Mercy, Cradle of Filth, 69 Eyes and Old AFI ('99-'03).
Quote by nashawa
You're my idol, so I must destroy you
Last edited by askingforit176 at Nov 26, 2009,
#2
Haha, a little too Twilight-y if you ask me.

Just kidding, but it's a cool piece. I just think that you should either talk less about the "they" or describe them more. If this piece it just seems off. "They" can either be a mystery, or "they" can be something/someone described to us. But yeah, just a tiny bit of rewording and you got yourself some badass lyrics.

Whenever you have the time, could you please check out mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=22406171#post22406171
R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio. Supplied amazing music to both me and my mother.

He will be missed.
#3
Thank-you, I was looking at it again and was debating how abouts describing "them" or not. Them are the followers of this "son of night" who long to be like him. This was written with three meaning behind it that kind of feed into each other, ones about obviously people who try to be someone their not or who want to be someone else with out reconizing that it will in a way be the end of them. Another meaning behind it was in general loving the darkness that in the end will destroy you. Wether that's drugs or money or sex or anything. It was easy to use "vampires" as an allegory for it. The last meaning is organized religion, no particular one but all of em. They have you follow them then over time you could be representing their morals and standreds than your own. And for the record I knew it was a matter of time before someone said a twilight comment. So thanks for getting it out of the system. I hate twilight haha
Quote by nashawa
You're my idol, so I must destroy you
Last edited by askingforit176 at Nov 26, 2009,
#4
I just read your explanation to this piece and I have to say it helped me to appreciate this even more. Really great message you got going here and I love the allegory you used. I just have a few problems with the piece. One, the word "enthralled". It just sounds too "poetic " to me. This piece already has enough of the Edgar Allen/gothic poetry vibe to it and it doesn't need something like "enthralled" to force the tone. I suggest replacing it with a more commonly used word. Also the phrase "son of night" really bothers me. I don't know it just sounds corny to me. And lastly, the last two lines, I believe could use a little rewording. Maybe something like "And I'll slumber 'til morning/And only awaken to see a new night". Anyways, I hope to read more from you soon.

Crit mine please
The Cure For Trypanophobia
#5
This is really well-written, unfortunately I wouldn't have really understood it fully without the explanation but that's just me haha. However, reading the explanation and actually knowing the meaning really made it a lot better to read.

I can't believe no-one's praised the particular wonderfulness of these two lines:

Spoke so silently the secrets they now sew.
From the faded scripts, forbidden words they once spoke.

Beautiful ^.^ Reads brilliantly. Flows fine. Fantastic alliteration and language

Well done (:
#6
Thank you, my usual stuff if a lot more ....
normal I guess. This being my first attempt at taking the dive and trying something new. So thanks for the kind words. And those two lines are my personal favorite
Quote by nashawa
You're my idol, so I must destroy you