#1
I haven't posted anything on here for a long while. Let me know, c4c and everything.

This sand slipping through my fingers
will build this wall
keeping everyone out.
The birds are flying around,
wondering where I've been,
wondering what I've been doing.

Am I going to change?
What do I need to change?
My step is just as long as his,
my shirt is just as white as his,
what factors contributed to this decision?

As the wall is building,
I keep questioning myself,
I keep questioning the world around me,
which is slowly becoming less visible
because of this growing mound of
million dust particles.

I'm buried to my neck.
My lungs are collapsing,
and it's hard to breathe.
My brain is losing oxygen.

But I'm fully content.
I'm peaceful.
My thoughts are slow.
I am immobile in every way possible.
I am perfect in this castle wall I built
from the dissolving thoughts you've put in my head.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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#2
Very cool. A couple things; in the 3rd stanza, I think the whole "dust particles" thing is out of place a bit, change the wording around a bit. And I LOVE the last line. "Dissolving thoughts" is perfect. So yeah, awesome piece.

If you have the time, could you check out my own?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=22406171#post22406171
R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio. Supplied amazing music to both me and my mother.

He will be missed.
#4
My favorite stanzas were the first and last. I feel like if you got rid of the rest of it and just left those two stanzas, the entire work would be FAR more haunting and effective. I feel like the other three stanzas are a little too revealing, angsty, and desperate. They leave the feeling that the narrator is saying "I'm hurting, like, really, really bad, trust me."

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1238907
#5
Quote by brandon369852
I haven't posted anything on here for a long while. Let me know, c4c and everything.

This sand slipping through my fingers
will build this wall
keeping everyone out.
The birds are flying around,
wondering where I've been,
wondering what I've been doing.
I like the vision that this stanza gives off, good job. Nothing negative to say.

Am I going to change?
What do I need to change?
My step is just as long as his,
my shirt is just as white as his,
what factors contributed to this decision?
I don't like the ending line here, it feels a bit out of place. I also don't feel like the 2nd line comes off with the flow needed to make this come together, maybe it sounds better when spoken/sung but I don't like the way it looks on paper

As the wall is building,
I keep questioning myself,
I keep questioning the world around me,
which is slowly becoming less visible
because of this growing mound of
million dust particles.
I like this stanza a lot. Nothing negative at all

I'm buried to my neck.
My lungs are collapsing,
and it's hard to breathe.
My brain is losing oxygen.
This serves its purpose in the piece but theres nothing that stands out as great or bad here

But I'm fully content.
I'm peaceful.
My thoughts are slow.
I am immobile in every way possible.
I am perfect in this castle wall I built
from the dissolving thoughts you've put in my head.
I like the image given by this stanza but don't particularly like the wording of it. Especially the "I am immobile in every way possible" line. It feels a bit awkward within the context of this.


All in all it was good and I liked it. A few changes to a few lines and this could be a very good piece. The 3rd stanza was definitely my favorite, especially the last 3 lines.

C4C if you've got time?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1238228
Last edited by lespaulsg09 at Dec 2, 2009,
#6
Quote by brandon369852
I haven't posted anything on here for a long while. Let me know, c4c and everything.

This sand slipping through my fingers
will build this wall
keeping everyone out.
The birds are flying around,
wondering where I've been,
wondering what I've been doing.

Love it. Nothing to say about this one.

Am I going to change?
What do I need to change?
My step is just as long as his,
my shirt is just as white as his,
what factors contributed to this decision?

This one I don't like as much. I think you're doing perfect but then the end kinda changes the feel of it. The last line could be better.

As the wall is building,
I keep questioning myself,
I keep questioning the world around me,
which is slowly becoming less visible
because of this growing mound of
million dust particles.

Change the last line and this is perfect.

I'm buried to my neck.
My lungs are collapsing,
and it's hard to breathe.
My brain is losing oxygen.

But I'm fully content.
I'm peaceful.
My thoughts are slow.
I am immobile in every way possible.
I am perfect in this castle wall I built
from the dissolving thoughts you've put in my head.

The end is just perfect. Love it



Overall it's really great IMO. Congratulations. If you have the time check mine out please. It's called The Essence.
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Who pirates Winrar? that has to be the most passive aggressive program I've ever seen.

"hey you should really buy me, the 40 days is up"
* hits X button*
" Oh okay, maybe next time?"


You sir have just won a thousand internets.
#7
I hate the last line in the second stanza, but I was tired of trying to find something to go there, so I just wrote whatever down. Same with the "million dust particles" part.

Thanks for all the feedback, I'll get back to it tonight or tomorrow.

That poguiqhitoahen guy, leave a link if you see this.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Dec 3, 2009,