#1
Finding yourself in a time of your life
Where everything is going the way it should
Making time for yourself to smell the fresh air
You've paid the tax confining your inner being

And now you don't know what to do with yourself

Funny how this feeling of happiness
Comes with a touch of confusion
Confusion that doubts all you've ever known
And it's this misconception
That pulls you back into the way you once were.

And now you know what to do with yourself

-----------------

So yeah, that's all I got. This is my first entry, feel free to be as harsh as possible haha. C4C of course.
R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio. Supplied amazing music to both me and my mother.

He will be missed.
#2
Hmmm its interesting. It flowed pretty well, though it was a bit fuzzy at times. For example in the beginning your talkin about how someone is (I got the notion it was a temporary feeling if not an illusion of false security, could be wrong but that's how I took it) but some not so poetic or lyrical people could get really confused when it says "back to the way you once were" they may take it as that feeling in the beginning and it wouldn't make sense. Also elaborate on "what to do with yourself" and your on to something good
Quote by nashawa
You're my idol, so I must destroy you
#3
Thanks for your crit on my piece. Unfortunately i am terrible at critiquing other peoples. I really liked this though. Sorry for sucking at this kind of stuff, but good work, it flowed really nice.
#4
Quote by larrytheguitar
Finding yourself in a time of your life
Where everything is going the way it should
Making time for yourself to smell the fresh air
You've paid the tax confining your inner being

This flows really nicely, I really like the idea of the last line.

And now you don't know what to do with yourself

Funny how this feeling of happiness
Comes with a touch of confusion
Confusion that doubts all you've ever known
And it's this misconception
That pulls you back into the way you once were.

This stanza flows really well too. Well, to be honest, the whole piece flows perfectly. I love the idea of how you can never be truly happy with how you are and you will always be uncertain of which way in life you should go.

And now you know what to do with yourself

This line finishes the poem really nicely. I like how it's only a slight variation on the other single line but it's this slight variation that makes all the difference. Perfect finish.


If I had to be picky then I would say you could improve with a bit more imagery, but this isn't necessary I don't think. The actual idea and philosophy behind the poem is enough to keep it interesting. It's short and sweet and makes me think

Very well done, basically ^.^


If you get the chance could you crit the piece I put up called "Oh, This English Weather"?

There's a link in my sig
#5
Thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I really liked this piece. I agree with Smpl that this it could use more imagery, but as it stands it is good. I just have a problem with the last two lines of the first stanza. They're good lines, but they just don't seem to fit together. At least in my opinion. Now if you don't mind I'm going to contemplate over this piece and its excellent message.

Oh and Team Jacob FTW
#6
Quote by themarsvolta
Thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I really liked this piece. I agree with Smpl that this it could use more imagery, but as it stands it is good. I just have a problem with the last two lines of the first stanza. They're good lines, but they just don't seem to fit together. At least in my opinion. Now if you don't mind I'm going to contemplate over this piece and its excellent message.

Oh and Team Jacob FTW


Yeah, I get what you mean. I have to do something with those lines.

Thanks to everybody who crit me!!
R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio. Supplied amazing music to both me and my mother.

He will be missed.
#7
Finding yourself in a time of your life
Where everything is going the way it should
Making time for yourself to smell the fresh air
You've paid the tax confining your inner being
I like the third line a lot. Last line seems to have something going, but I don't like it at all. It doesn't refer back to what preceded it at all. It's just a tangent off of what was set up before. Try doing something with senses, like you did in the third line.

And now you don't know what to do with yourself

Funny how this feeling of happiness
Comes with a touch of confusion
Confusion that doubts all you've ever known
And it's this misconception
That pulls you back into the way you once were.
I don't like the repetition of confusion so close to each other in the second and third lines. I like the last line, sort of, but it doesn't really do anything. It's a cool line, but it doesn't give me an idea of why they're pulled back into what they used to be.

And now you know what to do with yourself


It's alright for a first piece, pretty good actually. The two breaks are so cliché, it made me cringe. Throwing out such a contrast, in such a manner, like same set up, same word choice, same everything is good rhetoric, but it has no feeling. It doesn't appeal to me at all, and just sort of left me with "oh cool, that was like before."
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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#9
It's a very cool idea for a work, but I do feel like there's some imagery lacking. I feel like you're telling me how to feel about an introspective idea, but I'd rather you set up the emotional pieces, and let me put them together myself, if that makes sense.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1238907