#1
Inspired by true events :P c4c?


The summer sun
burnt a flaming orange
through the clouds.
Shafts of light
poured through the wispy gaps
illuminating the lake
in all its brilliance;
sparkling
like a timeless diamond.

Who'd have thought,
as we sat by the lakeside
on that old picnic blanket,
that the best
was still to come?

"Oh, this English weather.
So damn unpredictable."
We said
as it began to rain.

So we made for the trees.
Our little legs ran.
We hung that old picnic blanket
from the branches
of a tree.
This shelter hung about us
cutting us off from the world
and we just talked;
and we just chilled.

As I looked into your eyes
these thoughts ran through my mind.
There's nothing I'd rather feel
than your hand in mine.
Nothing I'd rather see
than your body lay next to mine.
And no place I'd rather be
than in your arms,
girl.
#2
Aww, this was so sweet. Made me feel real good inside. I just have a few minor gripes with this piece. "Flaming orange" sounds awkward to me. Also I think it would be better to describe the sun as being "like gold/golden". I think it adds a bit of elegance to the piece and ties in a bit with the "timeless diamond" line. And the phrase "We chilled" makes the narrator sound like a tool (which he is not). Anyways, nice job and I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
The Cure For Trypanophobia
Last edited by themarsvolta at Nov 26, 2009,
#3
Very powerful imagery. I'm throughly impressed. Thought "chilled" kinda made it lose points with me. The only tips I really have is lose the slang and a few more grammar things but in terms of writing. Awesome.
C4c? Mines "Dusk" its on the forum main page
Quote by nashawa
You're my idol, so I must destroy you
#4
I really like the imagery and story it tells.
"this shelter hung about us. cutting us off from the world"
I love it, it has a really gentle "I love you" feel.
ONLY thin that doesn't sit great with me, is the "we chilled" line.
Still great though, keep it up
#5
First of all, thanks for the crit on my piece, it was very helpful.

As for Oh, This English Weather, I really like it, however I agree with everyone else that "chilled" doesn't fit in with the song. But yeah I like your imagery and similes. Great song.
R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio. Supplied amazing music to both me and my mother.

He will be missed.