#1
Hello everyone,

this is a piece of mine that belongs to an album I plan on making.
The main line in the album is gonna revolve around some lyrics I wrote, those lyrics were pretty damn long I might add, so I split them up in 8 pieces, which are gonna be for 8 individual songs, which are linked together by the lyrics...
The lyrics revolve around the process of being left in confusion, with nothing to hold on to, and not finding any solid ground on which you can clear your mind.

This piece focuses on the first part of the lyrics, and that part is called apparently, it's about trying to get your mind focused on something you just can't understand...

So, please take a listen, tell me what you think, and enjoy

C4C off course, just leave a link
Attachments:
As far as can tell {part I}.zip
#2
I actually listened to the song first, didn't read your post and my first thought was that overall it sounds nice but needs strong lyrics if you keep it this way. And now I read your post

The song sets a strong melancholic mood so it's great if you have great lyrics.
However there are some parts that don't feel quite right.

Verses: first 3 bar of your progression is okay. Moving around the root and so changing the relation of the two sounds (perfect 5th, major 3rd, perfect 4th, all sound nice). 4th bar doesn't feel quite right for me. E-C, that's a minor 6th, doesn't sound too nice, specially when repeated.

Chorus: nice progression. Funny though that when I first listened to it the 3rd bar (Emadd9) felt out of place but theoretically it's okay and the more I listen to it the more I like it. Nice rhythm.

Solo, acoustic guitar: I really like that arpeggio with that rhythm, it's a pity though that you took the full chords of the 3rd bar of the chorus (destroys the solo guitar a bit). I also like the ending of the 4th bar.

Solo, electric: too quiet, had to turn down the acoustic guitar's volume to 6. Everything's fine with the exception of the cadence from bar 54 to 55. I added an G - F# (sixteenth notes) run down from B to E. You already have the A with the bend release. Sounds better to me.

Violin is a nice addition.

All in all great moody song though it needs really strong lyrics.
#3
Thanks very much,
I'll be sure to take what you said into consideration and take another look at it

ow, and I forgot to mention that the lyrics are visible when pushing F5, and to those listening with RSE, I forgot to add settings for that so you'll need to mess around with that for a moment
#4
Hmm... took me a listen before I started to enjoy this. I think it was your verse chord progression that threw me off mostly. Chorus was good, although it took a few listens to get used to that as well.

I agree with what atira has already said in regards to the verse progression - it doesn't seem to harmonically fit, although this is just with my ears. Don't know anything about it, theorywise.

Apart from that, I quite liked it, although I reckon that the strings could take more of a role than what they have atm. Give them a shining moment. But it's cool if you don't think that fits. I reckon they could give it a fuller sound with more utilisation, that's all.
#5
Every fourth bar doesn't go well with me. I understand that you've used it in order to create a contrast, and round of the idea. But it's too low in comparison to the first 3 bars.

Where are the vocals btw? :P

18-21 is a nice contrast, and it's as if there is a certain anger at something. It doesn't sound too great in guitar pro, however. I'd add more up and down strokes in order to create the contrasting sounds. Even if the strokes are incorrect, and no how they should be played, it'll give it a nicer sound.

When bar 22 starts, i think it would be nice to have the chords continuing, with the melody coming over it. Because when bar 30 comes, there's just far too many change in song dynamics. Which causes it to feel disjoined, and not flowing well. This idea might remove that awkward feeling.

I'm not a fan of those drums, or that particular drum kit. Sounds very artificial and fake (Even though, yes, it is midi, it's a bad choice. Very harsh). I dislike that the drums stop playing too. I would've assumed that they keep playing to the end; :P

I'm not so sure that your solo is effective in parts, it doesn't go to well with the backing notes in terms of rhythmic perception.

Bar55 was just another re-occuring event within your piece. Just like the start, it happens far too often, so the 'dramatic' effect of it is lost. And if you're using it to bridge, it's just really annoying. Be more discrete in your bridges.

I liked that verse 3 came back, i liked it at the start too, but i was hoping it could be progressed and explored more. Removing bar 68 would be very nice, as it's just another annoying rest.

The ending for this particular piece does not end well, as it's on a climax (in my opinon) because of the many instruments playing and spoor 1 playing a chordal rhythm that would suggest 'more to come'. The short ending note is not enough to end the song, at all.

I can't suggest too much in the way of ending the song, because I can't remember if this is the final piece, or the first of 8. I'll have to check your original post, sorry :P

But i'd maybe suggest that you let the instruments 'disband', and stop playing. So it leaves you with just the bare core/key elements of your song. (Rather than just fading out with volume).

Overall I thin kthe piece is nice, and will sound very good if it is recorded in a sensible manner. And although I may not have commented on how I like particular things; It's only because i criticed on things I disliked. I tend to focus on the things i'm not fond of, compared to listing off kind words about your piece.

C4C: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1232073

Note - Don't comment on the first post, but coment on the last post that i made 'Newest song'.

Thanks
Last edited by zezikaro at Nov 27, 2009,
#6
Okay, first off, thank you for all your comments, I've tried to make some changes here and there, though I did not take everything you said into consideration, don't have time to look at that at the moment

anyways, here is the version with a few changes (some chords changed and stuff)

and @ zezikaro, vocals are the last track and lyrics are found if you press F5
Attachments:
Apparently(II).gp5
Apparently(II).gp4
Apparently(II).mid
Last edited by ultimate-slash at Nov 28, 2009,
#7
4th bar sounds better but it doesn't sound really moody, feels kinda off (not off-key).
#8
Quote by atira
4th bar sounds better but it doesn't sound really moody, feels kinda off (not off-key).


Do you have a recommendation for what I could use instead?
#9
I tried to find a suitable chord for the last bar but couldn't find a pleasant one. I also checked a book which has a lot of chord progressions with examples but didn't find any that uses a I - III - V - something. So I would recommend putting the 3rd bar to the 4th, this way you'll have a perfect cadence ( V - I ). What you could put into the 3rd bar... Try a IV (Dminor) or a VI (Fmajor). Dm can be a D on the 4th string and A on the 3rd string. F can be a C on 5th string and an F on the 4th string. I find the latter one more suitable as it is a really small step but it's you're song so you must decide

Also this is just one possibility, there might be other ones.
#10
Quote by atira
I tried to find a suitable chord for the last bar but couldn't find a pleasant one. I also checked a book which has a lot of chord progressions with examples but didn't find any that uses a I - III - V - something. So I would recommend putting the 3rd bar to the 4th, this way you'll have a perfect cadence ( V - I ). What you could put into the 3rd bar... Try a IV (Dminor) or a VI (Fmajor). Dm can be a D on the 4th string and A on the 3rd string. F can be a C on 5th string and an F on the 4th string. I find the latter one more suitable as it is a really small step but it's you're song so you must decide

Also this is just one possibility, there might be other ones.


I'll try messing around with those a bit later on, but thanx anyway for your help