#1
Coming up short is just so easy.
It fits seamlessly with every other fallout lying before me
I paint pictures of ignorance, I’m a rationalist of abandonment
Words for reliving.
The trembling in my chest.
My civil unrest.
Moments for reliving.

I’ll be on the porch, singing a song no one’s ever heard of
About a boy and the mistakes he never learned from.
Not knowing right from wrong.
Who spends his afternoons.
Writing meaningless poems and songs.

The trembling in my chest.
My civil unrest.
I’m doing the best I can.
To hold on to moments worth reliving.
I paint pictures of ignorance.
On a canvas of self resentment.

And if I wrote the words down, for you to read allowed.
Could you manage a whisper.
My hands manage a shiver.
Cause the reality of things has me feeling pretty down.

I relive this in a language miss spoken.
Reciting scripture never told.
I’m an old book misread.
These lines, they keep you ever close to me.
Although it’s as far as anyone could ever be.

Tracing my mistakes with a heavy pressed pen.
Is all I can manage these days.
I’ll never comprehend, what rules to break or bend.
Either way, it’ll never get me back where I was then.
I paint pictures of ignorance.
On a canvas of self resentment.
This portrait drips with detest.
I’ll end up like the rest.
Sitting on the shelf, waiting to be read.

But I'll never get back to where I was.
Where I need to be.
And If I wrote the words down, for you to read allowed.
Could you do that for me.
Cause the reality of things has me feeling pretty down.



I took two songs I wrote, both about the same situation, and took lines from each, added some new ones, took out a few, etc, and made this.
So it's a bit long.
But for once, I feel like I've written down a part of me.
I'll C4C
Last edited by Coheed777 at Nov 26, 2009,
#2
Brilliant. I loved how personal this reads. It feels as if I'm reading about the writer's life and it makes it seem very genuine.

I paint pictures of ignorance.
On a canvas of self resentment.

^^ They are definitely my favourite lines.

You've linked abstract ideas to artisitic imagery and it's really effective. I wish I had more time just to keep reading it and let it sink in more. Really well written though. Doesn't hide it's meaning but is still very interesting.

Some stanza division might have been nice but not particularly necessary.

Crit my piece "Oh, This English Weather"? The link is in my sig Thanks
#3
Quote by Smpl Dstrctns
Brilliant. I loved how personal this reads. It feels as if I'm reading about the writer's life and it makes it seem very genuine.

I paint pictures of ignorance.
On a canvas of self resentment.

^^ They are definitely my favourite lines.

You've linked abstract ideas to artisitic imagery and it's really effective. I wish I had more time just to keep reading it and let it sink in more. Really well written though. Doesn't hide it's meaning but is still very interesting.

Some stanza division might have been nice but not particularly necessary.

Crit my piece "Oh, This English Weather"? The link is in my sig Thanks


Thanks. I put some stanza division in there now, haha.
Left a comment on your piece, really liked it.
#4
I loved it. I could definitely feel the emotions of the piece coming through. I like the rhythm of the stanzas, it's a little different, but it definitely works.

These lines, they keep you ever close to me.
Although it’s as far as anyone could ever be.

Gotta be my favourite line here.
#5
Quote by Coheed777
Coming up short is just so easy.
It fits seamlessly with every other fallout lying before me
I paint pictures of ignorance, I’m a rationalist of abandonment
Words for reliving.
The trembling in my chest.
My civil unrest.
Moments for reliving.
The perfect way to start the song off.

I’ll be on the porch, singing a song no one’s ever heard of
About a boy and the mistakes he never learned from.
Not knowing right from wrong.
Who spends his afternoons.
Writing meaningless poems and songs.
Very powerful.

The trembling in my chest.
My civil unrest.
I’m doing the best I can.
To hold on to moments worth reliving.
I paint pictures of ignorance.
On a canvas of self resentment.
Still going strong.

And if I wrote the words down, for you to read allowed.
Could you manage a whisper.
My hands manage a shiver.
Cause the reality of things has me feeling pretty down.
Not sure on the rhythm of this, but I like the content.

I relive this in a language miss spoken.
Reciting scripture never told.
I’m an old book misread.
These lines, they keep you ever close to me.
Although it’s as far as anyone could ever be.
Not as strong as the rest, but there's nothing wrong with it.

Tracing my mistakes with a heavy pressed pen.
Is all I can manage these days.
I’ll never comprehend, what rules to break or bend.
Either way, it’ll never get me back where I was then.
I paint pictures of ignorance.
On a canvas of self resentment.
This portrait drips with detest.
I’ll end up like the rest.
Sitting on the shelf, waiting to be read.
Not sure on the last line, but I really like the rest.

But I'll never get back to where I was.
Where I need to be.
And If I wrote the words down, for you to read allowed.
Could you do that for me.
Cause the reality of things has me feeling pretty down.
Not sure if this is the right way to end it.



I took two songs I wrote, both about the same situation, and took lines from each, added some new ones, took out a few, etc, and made this.
So it's a bit long.
But for once, I feel like I've written down a part of me.
I'll C4C
It's very powerful, but I'm not sure how it will fit in the context of a song.
#6
Quote by herby190
It's very powerful, but I'm not sure how it will fit in the context of a song.


Thanks, as to the last line, I agree, I'll have to work on it.
Not sure if i should end it on the "painting" theme, I'll see how it works.
#7
Wow man, that's deep.
Makes me kinda embaressed about my own stuff lol. I think that you should. End with another painter line. Make it really stick in the readers or listeners heads : )
Quote by nashawa
You're my idol, so I must destroy you
#8
Quote by Coheed777
Coming up short is just so easy.
It fits seamlessly with every other fallout lying before me
I paint pictures of ignorance, I’m a rationalist of abandonment
Words for reliving.
The trembling in my chest.
My civil unrest.
Moments for reliving.

(Yik! Yik! Yik! Great opening. Nice flow and meter, it's quirky.)

I’ll be on the porch, singing a song no one’s ever heard of
About a boy and the mistakes he never learned from.
Not knowing right from wrong.
Who spends his afternoons.
Writing meaningless poems and songs.


The trembling in my chest.
My civil unrest.
I’m doing the best I can.
To hold on to moments worth reliving.
I paint pictures of ignorance.
On a canvas of self resentment.

(I absolutely love the last 2 lines of this stanza, awesome work here. You've done a great job of implied tone as well throughout the work )

And if I wrote the words down, for you to read allowed.
Could you manage a whisper.
My hands manage a shiver.
Cause the reality of things has me feeling pretty down.

(Gold)


I relive this in a language miss spoken.
Reciting scripture never told.
I’m an old book misread.
These lines, they keep you ever close to me.
Although it’s as far as anyone could ever be.

(Holy crap. I don't even know what to say about this, especially the first 3 lines....just wow!)


Tracing my mistakes with a heavy pressed pen.
Is all I can manage these days.
I’ll never comprehend, what rules to break or bend.
Either way, it’ll never get me back where I was then.
I paint pictures of ignorance.
On a canvas of self resentment.
This portrait drips with detest.
I’ll end up like the rest.
Sitting on the shelf, waiting to be read.

(This is my favorite stanza. I love the way it's worded and how it turns over on itself.)

But I'll never get back to where I was.
Where I need to be.
And If I wrote the words down, for you to read allowed.
Could you do that for me.
Cause the reality of things has me feeling pretty down.

(I think the end is good as is. I also think you COULD: drop the last line altogether or change it to another painter reference)



I took two songs I wrote, both about the same situation, and took lines from each, added some new ones, took out a few, etc, and made this.
So it's a bit long.
But for once, I feel like I've written down a part of me.
I'll C4C


Great read! I have nothing negative to say about this at all. It's not overly complicated, but still very well written. The meter and tone are outstanding. This SOUNDS like a part of you. You captured the essence of your own emotion quite well. Awesome job buddy. If you'd like to take a look at my latest, please do: Public Broadcast Syndrome