#1
This is the second song I wrote about a close friend who died...the first one was written in the heat of the moment but this was written a couple days ago by me and i think it is better. I sent this one to her family


She was the butterfly
Of my life
Always made me laugh
Never made me cry
Her colors were bright
They were glow-in-the-dark
Nobody had better colors
Nobody ever will

She was always the smile
On everybody’s face
She was always the rainbow
After the strongest storm
She was always the light
At the end of the tunnel
She was always the bubble
Graceful in the wind

I will always feel empty
Since the day the butterfly fell
The light of the world
was turned off that day
It was a sad sad day
For every one who knew
The beautiful butterfly
That was named Nicole
#3
Quote by rd93
I'll critique it if you're planning to make this into a song other than just a nice poem you sent to her family. If you actually plan to record this for something I have things to say about it.


Yeah I would like crits
#4
Alright then.

"Never made me cry" feels really redundant and slow because it's kind of implied from the previous line.

"They were glow in the dark" should probably be changed to "She glowed in the dark". Maybe it's just me, but I don't think it sounds right. Same with "Nobody had better colors".

The second stanza is pretty well-written. The third one is good too, but I think "That was named Nicole" is an uninspiring and somewhat cliche way to end the song. If you want to include her name, I would find another way to do it.
#5
Never send to family. I also wrote about a close female friend dying. Way too personal and I would never really know if family would understand. I would post it and keep it away from them. Otherwise it is like you are seeking attention among the tragedy. Not good for anyone.
#6
Quote by IamOmega
Never send to family. I also wrote about a close female friend dying. Way too personal and I would never really know if family would understand. I would post it and keep it away from them. Otherwise it is like you are seeking attention among the tragedy. Not good for anyone.


Well they asked everyone to send them letters so I wrote this.
#7
Quote by 21wickwing

She was the butterfly
Of my life
Always made me laugh
Never made me cry
Her colors were bright
They were glow-in-the-dark
Nobody had better colors
Nobody ever will
This is a great opening other than lines 3&4. Too cliche sounding in my opinion, especially surronded by your originality.

She was always the smile
On everybody’s face
She was always the rainbow
After the strongest storm
She was always the light
At the end of the tunnel
She was always the bubble
Graceful in the wind
The last two lines don't sound very good to me. I like the rest except for the tunnel part because that is also cliche, and surronded by your originality, it sounds bad.

I will always feel empty
Since the day the butterfly fell
The light of the world
was turned off that day
It was a sad sad day
For every one who knew
The beautiful butterfly
That was named Nicole
I don't like the 'will' opening. Personal preference thing with me. The repition of sad is a bit odd. Disrupts the flow. The last line (i see why you put) but it feels so out of place. I really think you could take it out and have the ending be more forceful. Overall, I really didn't like this stanza very much comp[ared to the others becuase its cliche (in my opinion; correct me if I'm wrong). The whole butterfly idea for an ending is a stretch. I think you could be more original.m


I think the family will appreciate it very much. My condolences to you for your loss, too. This is a very beautiful piece.
#8
Evan Treborn grows up in a small town with his single, working mother and his friends. He suffers from memory blackouts where he suddenly finds himself somewhere else, confused. Evan's friends and mother hardly believe him, thinking he makes it up just to get out of trouble. As Evan grows up he has less of these blackouts until he seems to have recovered. Since the age of seven he has written a diary of his blackout moments so he can remember what happens. One day at college he starts to read one of his old diaries, and suddenly a flashback hits him like a brick
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