#1
One of my first attempts at writing...Inspired greatly by Scar Symmetry and Soilwork


The grand failure that has become us
The lies the lust the emotion or lack thereof.
It moves us into a new age of darkness and deceit
(An entrance to new life)

Virtues we uphold upon a nation of forgotten beliefs
We must not give in now for fear of their deceit,

The beings we once were
The people that we are now
Our souls will withhold once our bodies are long gone

Watching the windows outside our world
Talking it all away
Waiting for life to become us
As our world starts to fold

The past, it beckons come back
Forgotten in all we have lived
Moving forward through this fog
Maybe it hangs for a reason
Deliberate the infinite of yourself and all you hold.

Watching the windows outside our world
Taking it all away
Waiting for life to become us
As our world starts to fold

Here in this world outside their windows
Watching their lives pass them by
Nothing will come to
Time to make it mine.
Last edited by iduno871 at Nov 27, 2009,
#2
For a first shot I am throughly impressed. But you need to find some rythem, try counting sylables (misspelled I know) per line, its a great way to do it. It doesn't have not be perfect but it will help. There are some lines that do seem to make no sense towards the middle and end. Like"forgotten in we all have lived" and this line is pointless "maybe its there for a reason" ditch those two it flows better without them. Great first attempt! Keep going I'm expecting more good things from you soon? C4C? "Dusk" should be on the forum main page, maybe page two
Quote by nashawa
You're my idol, so I must destroy you
Last edited by askingforit176 at Nov 27, 2009,