#1
Wrote this awhile ago, just posting it hoping that it will somehow help with writers block. It was about a dream I had.


but if I look up it's down
(to the bottom of the ocean)
see a sea painted grey,
constant in motion.
dive down and chase my breath
in the noonday sky.
the air is a
poison. a danger.
a stranger.

stay in the pulsating clouds.
pick up little metal cutouts
of smiling sharks along the way.
(they're sure to be useful,
some rainyday)

now the water has shunned me;
I will meet a breathless death on dry land.
my sharks, they float back
up
to the bottom of the ocean.
settle on the sea floor.
(forever in motion)
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
This piece gave me a pretty cool image of the earth inverted so that the sea is up and the sky is down. It was pretty neat visualizing that in my head and helped this make this a fairly enjoyable read. Some of your imagery and language was really good (the shark image in particular).

I didn't really like the danger-stranger rhyme. I mean, I guess I could see how it could work but personally I feel you could find a more powerful and evocative word to replace "stranger" with and that the lost rhyme would detract anything from the piece.

That's really all I got. Hope your writer's block gets cured. Don't force it and something will come to you
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
Thanks. Yeah I guess it did what I wanted then. And yes, that was me experimenting with actually rhyming for once.

Anything you want me to look at, link me.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Wrote this awhile ago, just posting it hoping that it will somehow help with writers block. It was about a dream I had.
Bytch.

now the water has shunned me;
Seriously?This voice here is stale and not you.


to be honest, I thought the danger/stranger thing was by far the most clever thing in the piece. However, at the same time it bothered me. Obviously it is a danger if it's a poison. :/

noonday
Who says that? Seriously. Midday.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#6
I love your use of contradictory statements here ("if I look up it's down", "constant in motion"). It adds a nice touch to the piece. I wish I could write this well. Keep it up!
#7
I really liked it except for the now beginning the last stanza, although more than likely its a personal distaste. Overall, I really enjoyed this.