#1
c4c.

Behind withering African masks
and smells of forgotten incense,
muffled footsteps scurry down
winding, winding, alleyways,
past frosting shop windows
and luminous autumn fare.

Soon the dawn shops will be awakened
by clanging church bells and winter air,
and laughing school children will again
fill the night with burnt wicks, rosy faces,
and syrupy grins past frosty shop fronts
with luminous, luminous, winter fare.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Dec 3, 2009,
#2
I really like this piece.

You use imagery very well. It is very well written.

I love how you have extended the second stanza with each line being longer, your use of repetition is great because it emphasizes the line.

There really isn't much for me to critique. I really like this!
The times are changing
#3
Quote by narners
I really like this piece.

You use imagery very well. It is very well written.

I love how you have extended the second stanza with each line being longer, your use of repetition is great because it emphasizes the line.

There really isn't much for me to critique. I really like this!


thank you very much, i'm pleased.
#6
This did nothing for me at all. In contrast to everyone above me, I disliked the imagery. It was crusty and familiar feeling, like when you eat the same exact thing for breakfast too many mornings in a row and it ends up tasting horrible. Then you eat crepes(filled with assorted berries and drizzled with some kind of raspberry sauce) one morning instead of cheerios, and it's the most refreshing thing you've ever eaten in your life. Give me a crepe.

Find a better way to describe things than slathering them in adjectives. Show, not tell. The words became meaningless, lost in a sea of descriptive words that I've seen a bazillion too many times to do their job on the exact same things you're describing. The whole thing felt stale, and didn't have much personality or voice to it. When I read one of your pieces, I want to know that you wrote it without even having to look, and that's how you make your writing memorable. I want to read it and say "Well damn, if Hendrix_fan_14 didn't write this, then I'm batshit crazy." Make it yours, make it original, make it human, and I will care.


I realized that you crit a lot of my pieces and I never get you back, so I thought I'd give you a harsh-ish one to make up for it.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Nov 30, 2009,
#8
Quote by Ganoosh
This did nothing for me at all. In contrast to everyone above me, I disliked the imagery. It was crusty and familiar feeling, like when you eat the same exact thing for breakfast too many mornings in a row and it ends up tasting horrible. Then you eat crepes(filled with assorted berries and drizzled with some kind of raspberry sauce) one morning instead of cheerios, and it's the most refreshing thing you've ever eaten in your life. Give me a crepe.

Find a better way to describe things than slathering them in adjectives. Show, not tell. The words became meaningless, lost in a sea of descriptive words that I've seen a bazillion too many times to do their job on the exact same things you're describing. The whole thing felt stale, and didn't have much personality or voice to it. When I read one of your pieces, I want to know that you wrote it without even having to look, and that's how you make your writing memorable. I want to read it and say "Well damn, if Hendrix_fan_14 didn't write this, then I'm batshit crazy." Make it yours, make it original, make it human, and I will care.


I realized that you crit a lot of my pieces and I never get you back, so I thought I'd give you a harsh-ish one to make up for it.


I don't agree with it being slathered in adjectives, I'd agree that it contains no actual personal voice. Thank you for actually bothering to tell me something was wrong with this. After posting you know about 5 or 4 pieces and everyone is like like "yeah good" it doesn't really tell you anything. Thanks.
#9
I really did like the imagery and thought, unlike Ganoosh, that you showed me a lot as opposed to just telling me. However, I'm with Ganoosh in that it didn't do much for me. There wasn't much movement in the poem except for the shift from autumn to winter and I think the lack of any personal character precipitated that lack of movement. Yet, I'm inclined to think that it was your intention to have it this way because you are a very good writer and seem very methodical in your word choice from what I've read of your previous stuff. So if I'm right and your intention was to paint an image in my head, then I think you definitely succeeded. If I'm wrong and you were making some sort of statement with this, I wasn't able to see it.
here, My Dear, here it is
#10
Quote by SubwayToVenus
I really did like the imagery and thought, unlike Ganoosh, that you showed me a lot as opposed to just telling me. However, I'm with Ganoosh in that it didn't do much for me. There wasn't much movement in the poem except for the shift from autumn to winter and I think the lack of any personal character precipitated that lack of movement. Yet, I'm inclined to think that it was your intention to have it this way because you are a very good writer and seem very methodical in your word choice from what I've read of your previous stuff. So if I'm right and your intention was to paint an image in my head, then I think you definitely succeeded. If I'm wrong and you were making some sort of statement with this, I wasn't able to see it.


It was purely to paint an image into your head, thank you for your comments.
#11
Fantastic. It's very much overplayed to delve constantly into the desolate, morose, self-pitying, self-loathing, violent, resentful, scathing, angsty authorship that beginning writers love immersing themselves in. I felt like it was a breath of fresh air. A nice little town square scene, preserved tersely. Very nice. There was no agenda, which was nice too. Nothing to take away but an fragile little image. I'd try to come up with some kind of derision about the work, but it seems like it's found it's own perfect little niche in the literary world. Good deal.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1238907
#12
Quote by Chaingarden
Fantastic. It's very much overplayed to delve constantly into the desolate, morose, self-pitying, self-loathing, violent, resentful, scathing, angsty authorship that beginning writers love immersing themselves in. I felt like it was a breath of fresh air. A nice little town square scene, preserved tersely. Very nice. There was no agenda, which was nice too. Nothing to take away but an fragile little image. I'd try to come up with some kind of derision about the work, but it seems like it's found it's own perfect little niche in the literary world. Good deal.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1238907


Thank you for your words, i'll get onto yours.
#13
This definitely struck me as a "snapshot" piece from the first read. I don't have much to say; this tasted so good I just read it again and again. But one nitpick. "Syrupy grins" didn't seem to have the genuine, innocent feel of the rest of the second stanza. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. But syrupy has kind of a cynical connotation to it, doesn't it?

Ah well. Lovely, lovely. Sorry for being unhelpful.
#14
Quote by Hesh
This definitely struck me as a "snapshot" piece from the first read. I don't have much to say; this tasted so good I just read it again and again. But one nitpick. "Syrupy grins" didn't seem to have the genuine, innocent feel of the rest of the second stanza. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. But syrupy has kind of a cynical connotation to it, doesn't it?

Ah well. Lovely, lovely. Sorry for being unhelpful.


Hmm well if it does bring itself across as cynical I never intended it to be. thank you. that's what I was trying to do with this, a snapshot.