#1
I threw this together in about 5 minutes. Crit 4 crit as always. I kinda like it, it has an odd feel to it that I think captures the intention of the song well. This song is being said to you as if in conversation.

Verse:
Long way, this burns
Searching the hollowed ground for it has shown
Through failure, can one truly find solace?
Or is it through this mirror I see
Exactly what damns me
Dance now and follow it
As you go on your way
I’m left alone
This long way, what it’s shown
But it still hasn’t gotten around to revealing (that part of me)

Bridge:
Still look around, while reeling

Chorus:
Open my heart
And tell me what’s in there
Cause’ I damn sure don’t know
What it creates

Tell me I’m lost
Or maybe I’m not at all
This last day will tell
Determine my hell

Good, good, goodbye
They, yeah, they lie

Verse 2;
Love had, love lost
To the menace of what we thought was a friend
Burn my Cross as I carry it upon my back
The fire upon the flesh is the least of my pain
Dance now and follow it
Back and forth upon my grave
I gave you this option
Either mourn at my place of rest and regret
Or lie next to me to share eternity

Chorus:
Open my heart
And tell me what’s in there
Cause’ I damn sure don’t know
What it creates

Tell me I’m lost
Or maybe I’m not at all
This last day will tell
Determine my hell

Outro:
So with his right hand will we see our end
In the calling we missed just how we need this
Though the blackened hold gray take this to the grave
And the liars
Know nothing of forgiveness
I AM MASTER OF JIGGLYPUFF.

Current Gear:
Gibson Boneyard with Bigsby
Gibson 93' Explorer W/Nailbombs
G&L 93' Legacy W/Noiseless
Gibson 95' Doublecut W/Angus Bridge

Mesa Stiletto Trident
Bogner Shiva
Mesa 2x12 & 4x12 Cabs
Last edited by Butthead at Dec 1, 2009,
#2
Read it through another time.
It doesn't flow at all.
It gets stuck alot.
"Black gives way to more black."




I have UG Black Style and I can barely read my signature.

Also, I like black.


~DawnwalkerALL HAIL COMRADE DAWNWALKER
#3
I think I see where you said it gets stuck, but in a way that's intentional. Given that this song is as if it is being dictated to you, I wanted some stops to be in the lyric, giving the feel of someone speaking.
I AM MASTER OF JIGGLYPUFF.

Current Gear:
Gibson Boneyard with Bigsby
Gibson 93' Explorer W/Nailbombs
G&L 93' Legacy W/Noiseless
Gibson 95' Doublecut W/Angus Bridge

Mesa Stiletto Trident
Bogner Shiva
Mesa 2x12 & 4x12 Cabs
#4
Hmm...
Use periods then?
"Black gives way to more black."




I have UG Black Style and I can barely read my signature.

Also, I like black.


~DawnwalkerALL HAIL COMRADE DAWNWALKER
#5
I'll have to agree with Dawnwalker. Though I do like most of the content and I believe you have some really good ideas I also believe the flow could be greatly improved. Even if it's supposed to be that way.

Maybe it sounds well with music. Still I can only judge it as it is.
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"hey you should really buy me, the 40 days is up"
* hits X button*
" Oh okay, maybe next time?"


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