#1
kneel down beside the casket
of a woman, at last an innocent to some fiend,
frozen in a docile smile,
swaddled in silent esteem
of a blue evening
and the emanicipation therein.
quietly harbored in the brush
a man wanted her then.
her
her
her
her.
like a wave, vomit quells within me
as my eyes iron out the empty room.
maybe a somebody could emerge from the creases
somebody, please,
soon.
before i thank God for her
unchanging grin
and blissfully digest that
inverted love is still love,
though it just looks
a little different.
quick!
or else squalor-crusted beauty is her fragrance
and
the flora and fauna of this planet will die
once algae
strangles it.
nothing
so i weep and weep and weep and
leave,

bashed,
battered upon each
and every
step
by the horror behind me.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Nov 30, 2009,
#2
I felt this really picked up about halfway in, for some reason I didn't like the first stanza. It wasn't the content it was some lines that put me off.

I didn't like 'fiend' and I thought 'a man wanted her then.' was too blunt/brutal eh.

Everything else was just gorgeous,

loved this phrase

"or else squalor-crusted beauty is her fragrance
and
the flora and fauna of this planet will die
once algae
strangles it."

Not sure about 'bashed with more horror'

I think you have some fantastic imagery here in this piece but it just throws it a bit when you use those blunt lines. I enjoyed it otherwise.

If you could take a look at "Dawn square" that'd be great.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1237918
#3
I typed up quite a lengthy crit and deleted it, because during my rambling endlessly about its shortcomings, I decided that I actually like this.


Different, for you.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
thanks guys. yeah i realize that those phrases are a little blunt and i was worried about that. the reason i did that was because i thought it would be too cryptic otherwise and i wanted any reader to understand it.

i'll try and rework it. i was just going for some clarity in those parts. i got you on Dawn Square though. thanks

and yeah Ganoosh, i was going for something different here. glad you ended up liking it
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Heeere we go, this is closer to what I remember of you when I first started reading your pieces, the subtle rhymes and rhythms and beautiful images that make me want to get to know you. My only qualm is that the flow could use a bit of work; it's not that it's bad but it's rather inconsistent. Some bits are fluid and some more choppy, either could add to the piece but the inconsistency takes away from the overall affect by making the reader have to stall and catch up to the original pace.
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