#1
I lay awake, near mortality I speak.
I stare straight into the light.
The rest of the room darkens
and as the light grows brighter.
my lungs fill with it.
My eyes lifeless,
and lips cold.
I'm drowning in this fire.
I scream for salvation,
scream for guidance.
But, nothing.

An answering echo,
wails back at me.
Taunts me,
laughs at me.
As I reach back.
for something
for anything.
I cannot move.
I am trapped in this oblivion.
These shadows now overwhelm me.
Drag me in.

Still screaming for anything,
but now only silence exists.
Even the echoes are gone.
And in this dyer moment,
hopeless and hellbent,
even seven thousand suns,
cannot make an unknown god,
listen to your screams.

*seven thousand suns stands for the amount of days in a 19 year olds life (approx). I wrote it about a friend of mine who passed away a couple years ago and he was only 19.

crit4crit
Last edited by acoustic_jesus at Dec 5, 2009,
#2
I like it, quite meaningful, the references to your friends story aren't quite clear at first, but it does fit. Great last stanza
What is this that stands before me?

Figure in black that points at me...


FUCKETH THINE SELF
#5
pretty good. it seems more like a poem to me so correct me if im wrong. good no the less though. ya, it must of been hard for you to write about a lost friend. thats a cool fact though, about 7000 days in 19 years. lol, not quite there just (19 in june =D)
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win
#6
thanks. and you are right, I orginally wrote it as a poem, me and a couple of friends though kind of turned it into a slow metal song recently. and its not 7000 days exactly its like 6990 or something like that. but its close.
#7
I agree with whats stated above. it is very nice, meaningful and upon second reading it does tell the story. Beautiful. I also agree about it seeming like a poem, halfway through i thought to myself this must be poem. I'd love to hear a melody to it. Its very heartfelt.

Good work
The times are changing
#8
Woah... this sounds like a really good song. I agree with narners, I want to hear a melody, how it sounds! Very meaningful, deep. I feel sorry for you and your friend, this event obviously impacted you greatly. I like how 7000 suns had a meaning, I think that was pretty cool.
~Signature? Whats this Signature everyone's talking so much about?
#9
I think the last stanza is gripping, especially the latter half. The remainder's a bit straightforward for my tastes though. I feel like some of the imagery is well-worn territory. It's not necessarily bad, I just feel like, with the exception of the last stanza, it doesn't really add anything to the universe, so to speak.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1238907
#12
I edited 3 lines to change itup a bit.

I lay awake, near death I speak. ---> I lay awake, near mortality I speak

My eyes bloodshot ---------- My eyes Lifeless.

I am trapped in this coma. ------> I am trapped in this oblivion.
#13
i like it, kinda eery
backstory just makes it that much better
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.